For a very long time, I've had a very PMR-centric point of view.
Also, as I got older, I found it harder to dismiss the spiritual. I won't bore you with the details of my journey - suffice to say I'm a very voracious reader. Eventually I found MY BIG TOE. For the first time in my life, I found a book that bridged the physical, the spiritual and the paranormal in a way that I found credible.
Inspired by Tom and this forum, I began meditating again, and to my surprise I had some very quick and strange results. Recently I've had an amazing experience, and I'd like to share it here. Also, I hope it might help others who are working on confronting their fears.This is a long post with sections cribbed from my journal. but I hope that those of you who choose to read it, enjoy it. In it, I reference the "Mystical Gingerbread Men". For an account of this experience:
I've been working on my meditation. I tend to have very simplistic visions. I describe them as "Cartoons". Very simple, monochromatic wire-frame images or silhouettes. Often, as they come into focus they flicker like a old TTL monitor about to croak. Sometimes they move so fast, I can barely make out the images. (I chalk it up to the fact that, in computer terms, my internal "RRWeb-browser" is buggy, and my video-card is pretty low res.)
I don't feel I'm at a point where I can reliably interpret the images I see. Mainly I'm working on holding the meditative state, slowing the data-stream and improving the resolution.ALIEN NOISE
Recently, I've hit a block. To put it simply, the images become "Strieber-style" aliens. Mind you, they are so cartoony, they are rather silly. But the images are still spooky to me, and I don't enjoy them. For the most part, they engage in frantic, almost absurd behavior. Jumping, spinning, riding bicycles even playing in a marching band!(1) Once these start up, it's difficult to move away from them, and I often choose to just end the meditation.
Because of the chaotic and unstructured nature of these images, I've taken to calling it Alien Noise. I can't make any sense of it, except it seems to have a life of its own. Attempts to communicate with these beings aren't producing any significant results(2).
I often meditate right before I go to sleep. Unfortunately, the more tired I am, the more "Alien Noise" I experience. Recently, the noise has become violent and spooky in subject matter. The aliens fight with each other, grow claws and teeth, become cannibalistic and very menacing. FEAR-REDUCTION
I"m trying to take Tom's advice to heart, and work on reducing my fear. I do still fear negative beings of all sorts. Spooky-faced aliens are at the top of the list. I have been just observing the Alien Noise when it becomes frightening. I'm getting used to it, and able to watch it while staying calm. However, I do not like it and I wish to move on.
I also do not want to discount that these beings are somehow connected to my "helpers" from the "Mystical Gingerbread Men" experience. Although, I don't understand why anything that wanted to help me have an OBE would appear as something I find frightening. This doesn't sound like some of the documented guides I've read about.RESTLESS NIGHT - THE EVENT
I spent most of the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I've been feeling spooked lately.(3) I tried meditating and was instantly rewarded/punished with Meanacing Alien Noise. Also, I keep hearing flute music, which seems unrelated.(4) It's all too distracting and unnerving so I stop the meditation.
It's getting very late, and I"m worried that I won't get enough sleep to function at work the next day. I decide to try meditating - even if I can't sleep, I hope to relax and get some rest. Somehow, the room has become stifling hot, despite the time of year. Alien noise, flutes... I start to drift of to sleep.THE CAT'S TAIL
Suddenly, violently, I am YANKED out of my body. I feel that there is some part of me that extends from my tail-bone, and that someone has a firm, double grip on it. It's like I have a tail. I have a strange, brief sensation of hanging suspended with my rear in the air, my face and arms buried somewhere in my body. It's frighting and disorientating. I struggle against the pull, and I am released. I slam back into my body with such violence, for a moment I think I've fallen out of bed.
"Jeezus #@** @#$&#!!!! (I won't say what I really said, this is a family forum.) My boyfriend wakes up, startled. As I lay there, my heart pounding, I tell him I had a dream and he returns to sleep. I mull over what just happened.
At first, I'm frightened. It was scary! Is someone trying to take me? Hurt me? Something of the experience reminded me of a bully pulling the the tail on a sleeping cat. I start to feel angry, teased, even violated.
I look at the clock. Now it's really, really late. I am afraid to go back to sleep. If I let down my guard, and sleep, will it happen again? Am I somehow vulnerable in that state? I decide to meditate and try to relax.
More Alien Noise. It just will not leave me alone. I'm spooked, unsettled, exhausted and miserable. As I watch the cartoons (this is such a irritating show!), the alien faces distort into grimaces and wicked snarls. There faces twist and turn and they hardly resemble aliens at all. What are these things
I begin to examine my fear of aliens and other spooky creatures. I start to understand how this imagery is a product of modern pop-culture, my culture. If someone was trying to tailor-fit a nightmare for me, this would be it. This is all stuff that scared me the most as a youth. My personal bogey-men.
Is someone trying to scare me? I can't tell if this is just a product of my own mind, or if something is behind it. I become angry. I feel like I want to fight. I'd rather be mad than scared. I don't know how to combat these beings, but I want to push them back, scare them back...THAT IS NOT THE WAY
. This thought comes to me whole, not it words but complete and fully formed. I recall a dream my boyfriend had related to me from the night before(5). Then I remembered the story of the Buddha as he meditated under the bodhi tree. (I recently watched the PBS special) While Buddha was attacked by an army of demons, he sat still and meditated. The slings and arrows fell to the ground as they were transformed into flowers.LIGHT, LOVE AND FAIRY DUST
I began to work on a meditation I picked up from William Buhlman. I visualized a ball of white light surrounding myself and my sleeping boyfriend. I imagined that the ball osscilated with loving, healing protective energy. As my heart rate slowed, the ball spun faster, stronger. I thought these thoughts:Inside this light, there is only Love.
If you are a guide or a friend, you are welcome here.
If you want to help me, please show me the way and I will choose.
Please do not pull me or touch me without my permission.
If you are not a friend, or if you are a bully, you are not welcome here.
There is only Love Here.
I held this meditation for a very long time. I feel the Noise creeping at the corners of my mind, but I focus on the light. I've decided that I'm going to call in sick to work in the morning. I'm extremely exhausted - but I'd rather stay in this meditation state than get pulled back into the Noise. The room began to grow hazy-white. I started to drift off to sleep...OBE
Suddenly, I drift Out of Body. I see my body below me, very faintly, then I'm in a comforting, dark void. I have a sudden rush of elation - time to fly! I want to fly! I try to stretch my arms to fly, but I'm gently blocked.
Immediately, a beautiful, glowing being with wings floats in front of me. I'm a little reluctant to admit this - but it was Tinkerbell! (I understood that this was my impression of the being - Tinkerbell was a much loved icon from my childhood.) She was smiling and she glowed with the most beautiful golden, shimmering light. I felt the most intense and joyful LOVE radiating from her - it was unbelievable. I felt so full of love and joy - I can only describe it as Divine.
She flew around me, her wand trailing golden sparkling light. She touched me with her wand and instantly I felt all the exhaustion from my ordeal vanish. I felt like I was overflowing with energy. Suddenly, the space was filled with every cartoon character, icon and toy I ever loved as a child. Everyone was happy, cheering, celebrating. What happened next, I can only describe as a party! My memory becomes hazy here, but I'm left with the impression of reunion with long lost friends.
I don't know how long this lasted, but eventually I was pulled back into my body. (The drop was much softer this time.) I'm immediately alert, and I still have that refreshed and energized feeling from Tinkerbell's "magic". I lay there for a while, recalling the incredible experience.
I start to meditate, and I see a low-resolution version of Tinkerbell, and some of the partyguests. I watch the party for a bit... and notice a new guest, E.T. Well I've always liked E.T... suddenly there are a few more - and they start to make faces at me...You've got to be kidding me. Nice try. Out.
This is my instant thought. No fear, anger, just surprise that they would even bother trying to sneak in to my party in such terrible disguises.(6) One by one they popped like soap bubbles. Tinkerbell winks at me!
I slept for an hour, and went to work. I was a little tired, but suprisingly alert and energized with only a couple of hours of sleep beneath my belt!
I find myself able to slip into a meditative state much easer than before. That flute music is with me often, and I use that tune now instead of my usual mantra. As of yet, I haven't experienced any Alien Noise - even if I "look" for it.
The Low-res imagery I see now looks like whorled lines - kind of like a topological map. It took me a while to figure out what this was. I was riding as a passenger in the car, and I decided to meditate. The lines were swirling and changing with a sense of forward motion. I opened my eyes, and saw the lines faintly superimposed over my vision - they were representing some sort of "energy" that swirled around all the objects we were passing in the car. The lines seem a bit more defined around the tops of trees, and taper into thin streams that disappeared into the sky.
I don't know how long these gifts will last, or what these "energy" lines mean. I know Tom would say "it's just all data". But its been pretty amazing so far...NOTES ON IMAGERY
It is my understanding that how we "see" entities in NPMR is based on our cultural precepts. Religious icons don't mean much to me - so I'm not surprised that I would see meaningful characters from the pop-culture of my childhood.
I've always found the typical "big head, almond eyed Alien" image to be frightening. I read Whitney Streiber's Communion
, at a very young age and had to sleep with the light on for months. However, I've generally dismissed the whole Alien abduction thing. Other than what I've outlined here, I've never had a "encounter". If Streiber's aliens do exist, I doubt they have anything to do with this experience.
While reading MY BIG TOE and other books on consciousness, I began to accept the possibility of other "Realities". This returned me to some of my youthful fears of aliens, ghosts and bogeymen. The way I dealt with those fears was to adopt a PMR centric point of view. When that perspective began to crumble, it brought me full circle.THANK YOU TOM, AND ALL THE MEMBERS OF THIS FORUM
. MY BIG TOE gave me the key to explore consciousness without fear, or superstition. I like the pudding, so far. :)FOOTNOTES
1. Once one of these beings did approach and offered me some sort glowing ball of fuzzy-light. I was unable to take it, and he vanished back into the malestom of Alien Noise.
2. In one of these meditations, I was able to project love at the beings in the form of "cartoon hearts", and they were blasted away, like some old video game! I was unable to repeat this feat again, however.
3. There has been an increase of paranormal phenomenon in the house that my boyfriend and I are unable to explain.
4. I have experienced this music before in meditation, and I find it pleasant. In this case, It may have been a gift to help me counter the Alien Noise.
5. The night previous, my boyfriend had a dream that he was battling demons in a haunted house. Every time he got angry, the demons laughed and became more powerful.
6. During the same night, my boyfriend was having some unsettling dreams. In one, he was on his way to a party for a little girl and got lost. Eventually he ended up at the wrong party and was kept from leaving. He told me about this dream before I related any information about my Party.