For a very long time, I've had a very PMR-centric point of view.

Also, as I got older, I found it harder to dismiss the spiritual. I won't bore you with the details of my journey - suffice to say I'm a very voracious reader. Eventually I found MY BIG TOE. For the first time in my life, I found a book that bridged the physical, the spiritual and the paranormal in a way that I found credible.

Inspired by Tom and this forum, I began meditating again, and to my surprise I had some very quick and strange results. Recently I've had an amazing experience, and I'd like to share it here. Also, I hope it might help others who are working on confronting their fears.

This is a long post with sections cribbed from my journal. but I hope that those of you who choose to read it, enjoy it. In it, I reference the "Mystical Gingerbread Men". For an account of this experience:

viewtopic.php?f=11&t=4885

MEDITATION

I've been working on my meditation. I tend to have very simplistic visions. I describe them as "Cartoons". Very simple, monochromatic wire-frame images or silhouettes. Often, as they come into focus they flicker like a old TTL monitor about to croak. Sometimes they move so fast, I can barely make out the images. (I chalk it up to the fact that, in computer terms, my internal "RRWeb-browser" is buggy, and my video-card is pretty low res.)

I don't feel I'm at a point where I can reliably interpret the images I see. Mainly I'm working on holding the meditative state, slowing the data-stream and improving the resolution.

ALIEN NOISE

Recently, I've hit a block. To put it simply, the images become "Strieber-style" aliens. Mind you, they are so cartoony, they are rather silly. But the images are still spooky to me, and I don't enjoy them. For the most part, they engage in frantic, almost absurd behavior. Jumping, spinning, riding bicycles even playing in a marching band!(1) Once these start up, it's difficult to move away from them, and I often choose to just end the meditation.

Because of the chaotic and unstructured nature of these images, I've taken to calling it Alien Noise. I can't make any sense of it, except it seems to have a life of its own. Attempts to communicate with these beings aren't producing any significant results(2).

I often meditate right before I go to sleep. Unfortunately, the more tired I am, the more "Alien Noise" I experience. Recently, the noise has become violent and spooky in subject matter. The aliens fight with each other, grow claws and teeth, become cannibalistic and very menacing.

FEAR-REDUCTION

I"m trying to take Tom's advice to heart, and work on reducing my fear. I do still fear negative beings of all sorts. Spooky-faced aliens are at the top of the list. I have been just observing the Alien Noise when it becomes frightening. I'm getting used to it, and able to watch it while staying calm. However, I do not like it and I wish to move on.

I also do not want to discount that these beings are somehow connected to my "helpers" from the "Mystical Gingerbread Men" experience. Although, I don't understand why anything that wanted to help me have an OBE would appear as something I find frightening. This doesn't sound like some of the documented guides I've read about.

RESTLESS NIGHT - THE EVENT

I spent most of the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I've been feeling spooked lately.(3) I tried meditating and was instantly rewarded/punished with Meanacing Alien Noise. Also, I keep hearing flute music, which seems unrelated.(4) It's all too distracting and unnerving so I stop the meditation.

It's getting very late, and I"m worried that I won't get enough sleep to function at work the next day. I decide to try meditating - even if I can't sleep, I hope to relax and get some rest. Somehow, the room has become stifling hot, despite the time of year. Alien noise, flutes... I start to drift of to sleep.

THE CAT'S TAIL

Suddenly, violently, I am YANKED out of my body. I feel that there is some part of me that extends from my tail-bone, and that someone has a firm, double grip on it. It's like I have a tail. I have a strange, brief sensation of hanging suspended with my rear in the air, my face and arms buried somewhere in my body. It's frighting and disorientating. I struggle against the pull, and I am released. I slam back into my body with such violence, for a moment I think I've fallen out of bed.

"Jeezus #@** @#$&#!!!! (I won't say what I really said, this is a family forum.) My boyfriend wakes up, startled. As I lay there, my heart pounding, I tell him I had a dream and he returns to sleep. I mull over what just happened.

At first, I'm frightened. It was scary! Is someone trying to take me? Hurt me? Something of the experience reminded me of a bully pulling the the tail on a sleeping cat. I start to feel angry, teased, even violated.

I look at the clock. Now it's really, really late. I am afraid to go back to sleep. If I let down my guard, and sleep, will it happen again? Am I somehow vulnerable in that state? I decide to meditate and try to relax.

More Alien Noise. It just will not leave me alone. I'm spooked, unsettled, exhausted and miserable. As I watch the cartoons (this is such a irritating show!), the alien faces distort into grimaces and wicked snarls. There faces twist and turn and they hardly resemble aliens at all. What are these things?

I begin to examine my fear of aliens and other spooky creatures. I start to understand how this imagery is a product of modern pop-culture, my culture. If someone was trying to tailor-fit a nightmare for me, this would be it. This is all stuff that scared me the most as a youth. My personal bogey-men.

Is someone trying to scare me? I can't tell if this is just a product of my own mind, or if something is behind it. I become angry. I feel like I want to fight. I'd rather be mad than scared. I don't know how to combat these beings, but I want to push them back, scare them back...

THAT IS NOT THE WAY. This thought comes to me whole, not it words but complete and fully formed. I recall a dream my boyfriend had related to me from the night before(5). Then I remembered the story of the Buddha as he meditated under the bodhi tree. (I recently watched the PBS special) While Buddha was attacked by an army of demons, he sat still and meditated. The slings and arrows fell to the ground as they were transformed into flowers.

LIGHT, LOVE AND FAIRY DUST

I began to work on a meditation I picked up from William Buhlman. I visualized a ball of white light surrounding myself and my sleeping boyfriend. I imagined that the ball osscilated with loving, healing protective energy. As my heart rate slowed, the ball spun faster, stronger. I thought these thoughts:

Inside this light, there is only Love.
If you are a guide or a friend, you are welcome here.
If you want to help me, please show me the way and I will choose.
Please do not pull me or touch me without my permission.
If you are not a friend, or if you are a bully, you are not welcome here.
There is only Love Here.

I held this meditation for a very long time. I feel the Noise creeping at the corners of my mind, but I focus on the light. I've decided that I'm going to call in sick to work in the morning. I'm extremely exhausted - but I'd rather stay in this meditation state than get pulled back into the Noise. The room began to grow hazy-white. I started to drift off to sleep...

OBE

Suddenly, I drift Out of Body. I see my body below me, very faintly, then I'm in a comforting, dark void. I have a sudden rush of elation - time to fly! I want to fly! I try to stretch my arms to fly, but I'm gently blocked.

Immediately, a beautiful, glowing being with wings floats in front of me. I'm a little reluctant to admit this - but it was Tinkerbell! (I understood that this was my impression of the being - Tinkerbell was a much loved icon from my childhood.) She was smiling and she glowed with the most beautiful golden, shimmering light. I felt the most intense and joyful LOVE radiating from her - it was unbelievable. I felt so full of love and joy - I can only describe it as Divine.

She flew around me, her wand trailing golden sparkling light. She touched me with her wand and instantly I felt all the exhaustion from my ordeal vanish. I felt like I was overflowing with energy. Suddenly, the space was filled with every cartoon character, icon and toy I ever loved as a child. Everyone was happy, cheering, celebrating. What happened next, I can only describe as a party! My memory becomes hazy here, but I'm left with the impression of reunion with long lost friends.

I don't know how long this lasted, but eventually I was pulled back into my body. (The drop was much softer this time.) I'm immediately alert, and I still have that refreshed and energized feeling from Tinkerbell's "magic". I lay there for a while, recalling the incredible experience.

I start to meditate, and I see a low-resolution version of Tinkerbell, and some of the partyguests. I watch the party for a bit... and notice a new guest, E.T. Well I've always liked E.T... suddenly there are a few more - and they start to make faces at me...

You've got to be kidding me. Nice try. Out. This is my instant thought. No fear, anger, just surprise that they would even bother trying to sneak in to my party in such terrible disguises.(6) One by one they popped like soap bubbles. Tinkerbell winks at me!

I slept for an hour, and went to work. I was a little tired, but suprisingly alert and energized with only a couple of hours of sleep beneath my belt!

AFTER EFFECTS

I find myself able to slip into a meditative state much easer than before. That flute music is with me often, and I use that tune now instead of my usual mantra. As of yet, I haven't experienced any Alien Noise - even if I "look" for it.

The Low-res imagery I see now looks like whorled lines - kind of like a topological map. It took me a while to figure out what this was. I was riding as a passenger in the car, and I decided to meditate. The lines were swirling and changing with a sense of forward motion. I opened my eyes, and saw the lines faintly superimposed over my vision - they were representing some sort of "energy" that swirled around all the objects we were passing in the car. The lines seem a bit more defined around the tops of trees, and taper into thin streams that disappeared into the sky.

I don't know how long these gifts will last, or what these "energy" lines mean. I know Tom would say "it's just all data". But its been pretty amazing so far...

NOTES ON IMAGERY

It is my understanding that how we "see" entities in NPMR is based on our cultural precepts. Religious icons don't mean much to me - so I'm not surprised that I would see meaningful characters from the pop-culture of my childhood.

I've always found the typical "big head, almond eyed Alien" image to be frightening. I read Whitney Streiber's Communion, at a very young age and had to sleep with the light on for months. However, I've generally dismissed the whole Alien abduction thing. Other than what I've outlined here, I've never had a "encounter". If Streiber's aliens do exist, I doubt they have anything to do with this experience.

While reading MY BIG TOE and other books on consciousness, I began to accept the possibility of other "Realities". This returned me to some of my youthful fears of aliens, ghosts and bogeymen. The way I dealt with those fears was to adopt a PMR centric point of view. When that perspective began to crumble, it brought me full circle.

THANK YOU TOM, AND ALL THE MEMBERS OF THIS FORUM. MY BIG TOE gave me the key to explore consciousness without fear, or superstition. I like the pudding, so far. :)

FOOTNOTES
1. Once one of these beings did approach and offered me some sort glowing ball of fuzzy-light. I was unable to take it, and he vanished back into the malestom of Alien Noise.
2. In one of these meditations, I was able to project love at the beings in the form of "cartoon hearts", and they were blasted away, like some old video game! I was unable to repeat this feat again, however.
3. There has been an increase of paranormal phenomenon in the house that my boyfriend and I are unable to explain.
4. I have experienced this music before in meditation, and I find it pleasant. In this case, It may have been a gift to help me counter the Alien Noise.
5. The night previous, my boyfriend had a dream that he was battling demons in a haunted house. Every time he got angry, the demons laughed and became more powerful.
6. During the same night, my boyfriend was having some unsettling dreams. In one, he was on his way to a party for a little girl and got lost. Eventually he ended up at the wrong party and was kept from leaving. He told me about this dream before I related any information about my Party.

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"Wherever you go, there you are."

Sunshine,

EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT!

Thank you so much for sharing. Your writing is wonderful. You should keep up the journal. I see a book being a possible future for you.

As a sidenote, when I first met Tom he autographed my copy of MBT for me. Along with his signature he wrote one simple line that I have referred to often and use as my mantra for dealing with all things; healing, trying to explore NPMR, daily living, etc.

"Love is the answer."

It is indeed.

Ramon

That is a fantastic story Sunshine! :)

You have made some real progress, and I am glad for you.

I will look forward to all of your future posts here on the board.

Thanks for the..

wow, very interesting, i am envious for such a diverse collection of experiences. Thx for sharing

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....'we were on the edge of the desert, 100 miles from Barstow, when the drugs began to take hold'...HST

Wow - Thank you very much for the complements on my writing! Even now, much of this event is fading in my memory like a dream... writing about it has helped me to remember and better understand the experience. I feel fortunate that I have place like this forum to share my story.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post, and for all the positive comments. If anyone chooses to share their experiences, I am looking forward to reading them too!

_________________
"Wherever you go, there you are."

Great post Sunshine, thanks for sharing your experiences.

In your OBE description, you mentioned that you were in a dark void, and when you tried to move you felt "blocked". I think I've had a similar experience in my most recent OBE. I remember I couldn't see anything, I just felt like I was some herb floating in the wind. I felt slightly uncomfortable due to the surrounding darkness (looks like I still have some issues with that hehe) but was excited about being in this strange state, and I decided to try and move "out of the room" (that I couldn't see) through the door (that I could also not see!) that I knew was on my left. While moving toward it, I felt very heavy, and the closer I got, the harder it was to move forward, as if I had some elastic strings tying me to my bed. I didn't manage to move further, and I think the experience stopped there. I concluded this was due to some of my fears that were still holding me back from exploring what's out there.

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I hear, and I forget. I see, and I remember. I do, and I understand.

Thanks for sharing too! :)

Yes, I've encountered this void place more than once, and had some experiences similar to yours. Sometimes I've felt like I was a balloon floating in the wind. Eventually I run out of "helium", and I end up sinking back "down".

I was able to get "out" once! There was a great rush of movement, and a point of light appeared, like a star. I thought "fly, fly!". The light grew, and I saw a image, wavering like a reflection on water, of a street curb from a low angle. The image grew, and solidified, and was as completely "real" as looking through a window.

I popped through, just for a second... and was so excited I lost control and popped right back into my body. Bummer!

_________________
"Wherever you go, there you are."

A few days ago I began to meditate when I lay down to go to bed. Very quickly I found myself hanging horizontally over a slow running stream. The water was a little dirty looking and there were round rocks sticking out of it. I was dual processing because I could feel my body in bed and I could also feel myself over the stream. I felt as though someone was holding me by my back over the stream and I was very scared. The thought ran through my head that they were going to let go of me and I would fall into the water and drown. Thinking back that was silly as it didn't even look that deep. But that was my first reaction just the same. As soon as I thought that I felt a great sense of disappointment around me and I intuitively knew I failed some sort of test.

So I said to myself, "OK wait a minute. I think I can do better." I changed the look of the water to clear and pristine, made myself a trout and slipped into the cool stream and started to swim around. I played around for awhile with different water scenarios and different ways to interact with it. But in the end I couldn't shake the feeling that my first reaction was the most important and I had failed somehow. After a little while the stream wasn't there anymore and I was just aware of my body in bed. Nothing else out of the ordinary has happened when I meditate since.

On a side note. A lot of strange things happen routinely around my house. The other day a little cap popped off my water bottle in the kitchen. I saw it hit the floor take a bounce and disappear. Of course I thought it had just bounced under the cabinet. I looked and looked and couldn't find it. I really tried because my water bottle leaks with out this little cap. I vacuumed and mopped the floor twice and still couldn't find it - all the time thinking, "I really want to find that cap!" Because sometimes when I do this I can rematerialize what I lost. Yesterday I looked down and there was the little cap sitting in a very obvious place in the floor. This kind of thing happens to me all the time.

I had a similar thing happen to me just recently with some reading glasses. I lost them outside and found them a day later where I was looking for them the previous day. They were is such a place as I couldn't have missed them, indeed I would have likely stepped on them in their location.

In replying to this post a possible explanation occurred to me related to what Tom says about shifting awareness around to pick up different data streams.

Sunshine, somehow I stumbled upon this post again. I am wondering what experiences you are having now.

I have been meditating for an hour or two every afternoon. I can usually hold my focus for awhile - see hypnagogic images - then click out. Sometimes I will have a vivid dream, but I come back to aware consciousness pretty suddenly.

The problem is that lately I have been having a hard time getting to sleep. Usually I go to sleep withing a few minutes of going to bed. But lately I feel tired before I go to bed. As soon as I get in bed I am wide awake and wired. I try to do some meditating but after 10 or 15 minutes I feel so uncomfortable that I have to move. From then on I am tossing and turning until I finally get to sleep 1-2 hours later. If I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I feel wide awake by the time I get back to bed. Then I toss around again for an hour or more before I can get back to sleep.

It occurred to me last night that I may be trying to experience some kind of breakthrough. I'm not sure though. It is driving me crazy not being able to sleep.

Any thoughts anybody?

As long as you're awake you might as well meditate. Seems more useful than tossing and turning.
Love
Bette

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All That Is
what is?
Consciousness.

I've tried. My mind will do it my body just won't stay still.

Well, keep trying....:) At least it eventually will be a way to take your mind off not being able to sleep. What do they say, practice, practice, practice, I mean if you're going to be consciously trying? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I do that, just that if I was I would.
Love
Bette

_________________
All That Is
what is?
Consciousness.

I think I may have found the answer while browsing the Internet.

"Nocturnal hypoglycemia (low nighttime blood glucose level) is an important cause of sleep-maintenance insomnia. When there is a drop in the blood glucose level, it causes the release of hormones that regulate glucose levels. These compounds stimulate the brain. They are a natural signal that it is time to eat."

I have really cut down my calories lately. I usually eat at 3-4pm and then a light snack at 6pm. By the time I go to bed my stomach is really empty.

Is this a new symptom, the sleep issues? Have you RECENTLY stopped having a midnight snack? Glucose regulation is important.
Love
Bette

_________________
All That Is
what is?
Consciousness.