I don't really know why, but a lot of what you said almost gave me the goosebumps, since it sounds as if we're kind of experiencing the same thing, only in different 'parts' of that thing, perhaps. Well, it may surely be that I just interpret it as to seem alike, but who knows, right? For example, you say:
The past 2 months the only thing that has really changed was the fact that I no longer care and accept the current state I'm in. The worst of the worst could be happening and I wouldn't care.
This is what it feels like on my side of reality too. The whole existence has changed the last weeks to something completely, almost absurdly different from what it used to be. Now whatever can happen, and it's okay. Whatever can also not
happen, and it's okay. It doesn't really make any difference what so ever. And this has in turn made me question why I should keep on having a job that only leads me to just copy day after day after day, which also will contain almost the same thing every time. In the long run, it's just not any logic in it anymore. And since my fear of not having money, of not pleasing people, of not doing what I 'should', or anything like that don't seem to exist any longer, it makes it difficult to remain in the 'normal' society functioning like everybody looks to be just programmed to.
The biggest difference I see (after what I understand from reading your post) between our experiences is that for me everything is 'okay' because I suddenly understood that nothing I ever do in PMR will make me truly happy. In that realization it seems as if the attitude 'I don't care' came at the same time as an over-saturated feel of stillness, joy and love for whatever is
, no matter. Whereas you don't mention love at all. If I see one great thing about having a job that pushes us out in the 'real world' every day, it must be the opportunity we get to point other IUOC's towards a (probably) better understanding of stuff, so they may discover that they actually can
bootstrap themselves to more optimal states of being - without saying it in plain words, of course. You may also meet people which know more, and have developed themselves more than you, which is very enlightening. And, frankly, all
interaction with other beings, however developed or not they are, you learn big things all the time - both about yourself and how you react, and about others.
Currently I don't even understand why I'm still in this learning lab because I'm not learning anything anymore. Everyday I used to comeback home an I was just amazed at certain things that I learned and just processing the data. Now I haven't left the house, can't do anything I used to do that helped me learn about myself and basically limited to meditation only.
Which is why as of today majority of my day is going to be spent just meditating all day. It's as if I'm a blank slate again because I've dropped all meaning and gave up on the path I THOUGHT I was suppose to be on. It's sad but at the sametime I'm not into whining and just deal with whatever.
Haha, as a dude who usually used to analyze everything
that happened to me in seemingly every aspect it could be analyzed in (at least to my knowing), I also felt I learned a great big deal about everything. But when I understood that my essential being isn't the bundle of thoughts and that they most of the time are controlled by the ego, I realized it may just be fooling myself. Well, at least until I'm enough without ego to only use my thoughts, and not have them use me and make me unconscious of where I am and what I'm doing in the present moment.
Anyway, if meditating is the only thing you feel can help you learn more (as I too feel, in a way), then I have a suggestion - it may or may not fit you, but has truly helped change me. Let's see, what are you doing when you're meditating? You're probably removing all thoughts and becoming one with everything and so on. So why not doing that while
you are living your life outside your home? That is, try to just observe the world as it unfolds naturally, and react to it as purely and real
as possible, without preprogrammed thoughts or anything. Then it will be like meditating ALL THE TIME, whatever you're doing. Try sensing that great big gap between this world and your true being, and let that being control you. Try finding an 'anchor' in every situation to serve as your mantra to keep you focused and aware of the present NOW, instead of everything going on in your head - even that feeling telling you it's not worth it since this training lab can't possibly teach you anything more you need. Just live without expectations and thoughts and whatever. Live, dude! Don't be attached to a need for those psi 'things' you had before, or anything else. Just _be_, and it may fix itself in a little while.
Well, that's my two cents of input. Use them however you like. But remember this, by moving about in the PMR learning lab, and not just only staying inside, you more easily let existence (your guides and NPMR-input in general) push you in the direction you need by giving you the opportunities and tests you need at your present level of understanding through different interactions and situations.
.. or I may be totally wrong in how I interpreted you, in that case, ignore this;)