Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I'll check out the links you mentioned.
I am trying to find the source of my fear, to know what exactly I am afraid of.
Sometimes it is like you said, ego's fear of losing my current perosnality. Sometimes it is just a fear of unknown. But mostly the fear is because I do not know, what is the worst thing that could happen. For example, I try to remember, what was the world like before I was born, but all that I remember, is nothing, non-existence. And I am so afraid that some day I'll have to return to this non-existence. I know, that in case if there really is nothing after I die, then it won't matter to me - I won't feel anything anyway. I try to believe, that I am more than my body, but for now it is just a part of my belief system, not a part of my knowledge or experience. For now it seems to me like a recursion - to overcome a fear, I need to know it, but I am afraid of the fear itself :D
Oh, well, I guess there is no other way than just live and see, where it will take me. And I hope, I'll soon find some way to prove to myslf that there is no way I can completely lose my consciousness, no maer what happens to my body or my current personality. And now I am trying to find out, what exactly my consciousness is, where my consciousness ends and wehere my ego and peronality starts to take over. Sometimes it takes me in a wild jungle of self analysis. Something like this: "ok, I think, I want something right now. But who is this thing, that wants it? Is it me myself? Is it my ego? Is it my subconscious? Is it all of them together?" :D
This post is, to me, an important indicator of the issue facing ALL of us. There is a lot of information here to look at. The implications here are not just for you, but for everyone. And the fact that you are wrestling with these issues, in my opinion, is a sign of real growth. Many people never allow themselves to dwell on these intangible concepts.
"...but all that I remember, is nothing, non-existence. And I am so afraid that some day I'll have to return to this non-existence. I know, that in case if there really is nothing after I die, then it won't matter to me - I won't feel anything anyway."
In one sense, this statement leads me to think, - All the more reason to celebrate each moment. To cherish EVERYTHING and EVERYONE with which we come into contact.
If it is a finite existence then there is an urgency to make the best of it. We must decide how we want to view and effect our environment (and the people in it), and what we would like our legacy to be after we are gone. Did we spread LOVE, harmony, awareness and joy, or did we spread FEAR, discord, ignorance and suffering? Did we promote and fascilitate separation or unity?
When I come face to face with my own mortality, (and that of others) I re-evaluate my priorities. When I walk "side by side" with "death" I live a more rewarding life, and I began to treat everything and everyone with a newfound gentleness and compassion. The idea that the last time I see someone, could be the last time (in this lifetime) that I get a chance to see them makes me more aware of how I treat people in everyday interactions.
...I try to believe, that I am more than my body, but for now it is just a part of my belief system, not a part of my knowledge or experience. For now it seems to me like a recursion - to overcome a fear, I need to know it, but I am afraid of the fear itself :D
Are we separate from everything or are we all ONE and interconnected? Is this a friendly universe, or a hostile universe?
Once we realize that the "separation" (between our "self" and everything else) that we are taught from childhood, and percieve with our physical senses, IS really an ILLUSION, there is a subtle shift in consciousness. Not just reading about it or talking about it, but actually becoming AWARE of the connection (or interconnection) This AWARENESS is somewhat of a gradual process, for me at least.
Alan Watts says in his book...
"THE BOOK On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are" ...there is...
"...an unrecognized but mighty taboo—our tacit conspiracy to ignore who, or what, we really are. Briefly, the thesis is that the prevalent sensation of oneself as a separate ego enclosed in a bag of skin is a hallucination which accords neither with Westernscience nor with the experimental philosophy-religions of the East—inparticular the central and germinal Vedanta philosophy of Hinduism. This hallucination underlies the misuse of technology for the violent subjugation of man's natural environment and, consequently, its eventual destruction.We are therefore in urgent need of a sense of our own existence which is in accord with the physical facts and which overcomes our feeling of alienation from the universe." http://www.scribd.com/doc/2546460/The-B ... Alan-Watts
And when I become aware that my environment is just an extension of me. That there is no separation between the "observer" and what is "observed". There is a new responsibility that was previously non-existent.
You can never understand an organism by removing it from its environment. That any organism is CONNECTED to its natural environment is a bit of an understatement. The interconnection goes deeper. Every organism is INSEPARABLE from its environment. For example, if you observe a rainbow you should understand that you a PARTICIPATING in the phenomenon that causes the rainbow to exist. And if I were standing next to you, observing a rainbow, I would be observing a DIFFERENT rainbow. Without the observer there is only a potential of a rainbow. A probability. If you were not there to observe the rainbow, the rainbow would not exist. The same as: If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a noise? The answer is no.
Reality is subjective. And we are inseparable from our environment. So if we are IN the universe, then the universe is also within us.
And if everything we see, and everyone we meet is a part of our larger self then...- All the more reason to celebrate each moment. To cherish EVERYTHING and EVERYONE with which we come into contact.
The more I think of it the more I feel that, no matter what the situation, no matter what the question, LOVE is the answer.
As Carl Sagan once said: ""We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
We are a way for consciousness to understand itself. We are a way for AUM to evolve itself.