Hello!

this thread will serve as an introductory thread for me, as well as a bit of a journal space on the process of meditation. i hope to be able to record my steps in the process of "exploration" and get some feedback form others, as i already have may questions... so many questions.

about me, i am a 30 year old married father of 2 and freelance 3d artist, who has had precognitive dreams through his life off varying "importance," but generally lying on the side of "mundane." they happen infrequently, but they shock me nonetheless when they happen. as you have noticed, i do not use the shift key. please excuse this omission in my text communication.

i have been "hungry" for a TOE for as long as i can remember. when i was about 18-20, i read Amit Goswami's book "The Self Aware Universe" and it set me off on the track of exploring the thoughts of "conciseness is the universe," as well as other strange and "groovy" thoughts on the nature of reality. in my life, i'm the only person i know interested in this stuff, in a bit of a serious nature. if i told these thoughts to anyone i know, "that the universe is not purely physical" i would lose a lot of friends and relatives, probably told to see a doctor, and get onto some anti-psychotic drugs. for this reason, i feel lonely in my world. the thing that inspires passion in me, in learning, is a complete secret. so, there is no support network, or other minds to bounce things off of for me, in my life... which is why i came here.

last few years i've been keeping a hold on thinking more about the nature of reality, as i've had more important things to take care of in life, like getting married, raising my kids, and going to classes, and working. now however, i find myself in a bit of a dead spot. work is very very slow (dangerously so,) my kids are not in much of need of guidance, and i find myself gravitating back into satisfying my curiosity of the nature of things, which is how i came here.

i contacted a member of this board, which i met through another board, seeking some information on toe's and consciousness, psi events and such things. he pointed me to tom's works. i feel it was the correct direction. i've listened to tom's london lecture and ate it up. the concepts came easy to me, as the fundamentals could be found in goswamwi's work, and his little toe. i decided to jump into tom's second book for now, and am about 100 pages in, and enjoying the imagery and humor as well as the concepts.

it is about this point that i decided to try this stuff out myself. to "go out there." I have been meditating for nearly my whole life, in relaxation exercises, to fight off anxiety disorder, but never really dove into visualization, obe's or remote viewing. i tried a bit here and there, but never gave it a full force effort. as a result my efforts were less than fruitful, and i found myself discouraged, for i am above all things impatient.

i am at the point now, that i have decided to try binural beats. i am using gnaural to make my own. per discussions here, and direction, i will be focusing on 4hz to achieve this.

the member who directed me here suggested that i document the process in a journal. and thus the main purpose of this thread. it will serve as a journal on the process and effects of this for me. i am vain, and would only really document this stuff in detail if others were witness to it too. i can't really keep a word document on my computer and adhere regularly to submitting to it. would lose interest. think of this public thread as my motivation for documenting properly my observations and thoughts. i'm also hoping to have questions answered too. i already have so many.

I go to Dallascowboy blog site.. where people write up articales on thier therory.. Like why Rattlif should be moved to DE ect.. Then people comment on it below. And the site lets any body put up articales.

I actually think that is a better format than a typicall.. forum like this one.
I attempted to make one, but i think so very few have theroies or ideas formulated of thier own. and Personal research to go with it on MBT Topics... WItch is supprising.. Cuse BloggingtheBoys has tons and tons of well though out articales with research for the nfl draft alone.
I basically just store data there....sfi book writings..youtube link playlist..links..my building pools,caves documents..Made Binuarl beats.. ect.
Its a value able idea...Been very usefulll to me..
You starting your Space made me think of it.

Just so ya know it seems like the longer I practice meditation... The Farther in the future i relize it takes...
Early on i though if i can get out... Im out... not quite.. maybe a year latter i can hold it 3 minutes longer.

Anyways... I think im on to sumthing here lattely.. I have made Bineraual Beats with...Dots. that pan around in complex patterns over the beat...from delay and arp. As the Time goes on the complextivity less ens and less ens..

All the Mantras/Visualls/Methods/Phasing ect are all just to occupy the intellect and get rid of noise..
WELL:
I just follow the dots... Not lose track.. it takes the occupier tool out of the Intellects hands.. Just keep track of the dots.. with Focus... When you lose track thought packets got ya.. keep following the dots untill they slowly disipate.
All the Swithching around tools, judging them.. Switching around mid Med.. Judging what should happen when and what it shoud feel like.. all goes away..... Its just follow the dots nothing else.

Iv started to experiment around and... just recently got it to where.. I get hit with VIBS not even 5 minuest in... They stay a few minutes then In a few more Mins they Hit again so forth.

I think being used to Going VOID from some type of Sleep cycle... will make it take a while transitioning Not going through any sleep cycle, drowsy or dreamish or lose C for a bit, or Hydrjogic state ect.

ANy ways, Just my trials and tribulations of a couple years of tribulations.
Ima Get my dots little more flush.. and I can link them to ya if ya want..
Might save you from lots of.....ALLLalllEmshabaradeummmm.. stuff.

_________________
All Praise to Dez Bryant "Feed tha Beast"

so, binaural in the ears of course, and moving dots on a screen?

Tom does talk about visual imaginary "mantras" in the book

_________________
Does this PMR make my butt look big?

@Terridactal. that sounds interesting. yea, share with me any links you think may be pertinent! i'm still in the "information gathering" stage of this. not sure if i will ever leave that stage.
---


i've decided to add to my progress logs here some visuals. i use maya2009 for a job, so figured i would use it here. the renders below depicting stuff are of really low quality, and equivalent to a "sketch," so don't think this is the limit of what i can make in the program. as i said before, i'm vain. i'm mostly vain about my professional skills, so my ego whinges at the thought of people seeing my "sub standard" renders. but for the purposes of this thread, they will have to be things i made quickly.

below, a log of my "first" test with binural beats:

i created a binural beat file that slowly steps from 19hz own to 4hz. the steps go down 1hz at a time roughly about 1-2hz a minute. i'm also using a "pink noise" background as well, that slowly fades out when it reaches 4hz. the entire audio file is 46 minutes long, with about 1/2 hour time at 4hz.

at about 1am i laid back in my computer chair and put my feet on my desk. my arms rested on my armrests and hands on my gut. i told myself "not to expect anything" as that seems to be the general advice, and tried not to. i sort of told myself to "just do it and see." it turns out i do and did harbor expectations about it, which i will outline later.

the "tape" started off and i did some light breathing exercises to "relax," as a typical relaxation meditation. i tried to follow the "beat" down as it went down, trying to focus exclusively on it, but i found my brain jabbering on monkey-like quite a bit. when i reached the 4hz point, my "jabbering monkey" in my head began acting a bit "drugged" and slower. he was still very much there trying to find meaning. the "monkey," seemingly when given nothing to occupy itself with will grasp at anything it can.

about 15 minutes went by with me struggling with the monkey, when i started to experience some "visual" stimulation. it was nothing more than dots, or colors. very very faint and very very dark, but i tried to focus on them.

upon doingso, one of the dots "opened up" or got stretched. attached below is the progression of the dot:


this, scared the shit out of me! i had a bit of a panicked reaction, and my heart raced. the sensation off it moving on its own shocked me a bit. i've experimented with having my mind just blast away at self-created stimuli before, but always sort of expected it to happen. i didn't really expect this to happen, or more accurately, i was not expecting this thing to move so fast and extreme, on it's own like that. anyways, i tried to calm back down, and refocus back on it. i tried to imagine it being recreated again, imagining it flexing, or pushing "up" or out as it did before. i was able to imagine it ok, but was not able to have it i guess happen spontaneously? i felt like i was telling it to do so.

anyways, after a time at this, trying to mentally imagine that thing again doing that, i did relax, and i began seeing things. that were not "forced." everything was quite dark and hazy, like looking through sunglasses.

i first saw a strange amoeba, or jellyfish like object, with a tendril hanging down and entering a body. the body was mine, as i recognized the clothes (lol,) but the body was in motion along a linear track, and was blurred? it looked like training material i have seen, outlining the stages of a walk cycle in an animation.


the whole scene was sort of suspended in pink liquid.

eventually i could no longer see my body, or the tendril entering it. and "i" "was" that jellyfish thing. i was then "eaten" by a larger jellyfish/amoeba thing, that stored me in its stomach with soem others. it moved it's local position to some other area, and spit me out alone. it seemed to serve the purpose of moving me, but not digesting me or anything malicious or destructive like that. a self-swimming self-guided doggy bag.


after it dropped "me" off, i noted the pink liquid was no longer pink, but a slight yellow. I noticed this yellow was not the liquid, but another larger creature, and i was near it's mouth. it gobbled me up, and began rubbing it's tentacles on me, seemingly cleaning me off or something to that effect.


and, at that point i sort of fell out of it. i lost the ability to freely let my mind self-create visuals. the whole visual lasted about a minute i guess. much of it was disjointed, and the scenes did not progress in a smooth manner. it was visual to blackness to visual to blackness. i feel like the blackness is me losing concentration.


after it all, i noted that it was "neat" but nothing extraordinary. my ultimate conclusions are that i don't feel different, and don't look at things differently. it turns out i did expect that i would! i was not really aware of that expectation beforehand. when i came back, i felt the same, and perceived things the same way as before. i did feel i was "away" however as if waking form a nap.


anyways questions:

is this stimuli self-created, or am i actually being eaten and cleaned by giant single celled organisms? does it matter either way? how would i know either way? are these questions irrelevant?

should i expect to feel differently, or see things differently?

coming back, i did not feel "good" or "full of love" or have "lower entropy," i felt the same going in as coming out, except relaxed. this tells me that i did not experience anything "extraordinary" or anything outside of the PMR. is this an inaccurate assumption? is it to early to say?

the goal sofar for all of this for me has been to "explore" and come back with something useful. i'm not sure i have come back with something useful, except that i am motivated to "make" the things i have seen, into my computer program, and that is good in itself i suppose.

I think you are either already very good at (retreving data..or the BB really helped)... WHat it means is probably tough to decifer from your showes
if your intent was open it to anything.. it could be anything..

It reminds me of Remote Viewing.. I do one a day at work... And gotten pretty good..
Today... drew a globbed circle with vibrations lines...then two connecting pointers that move in circle.. then a spring..then bells..
It was a old fashin alram clock....
But i do other hobbies where i try to use the same connection to get ideas ect.

I think you probably have good connection and was getting some data of something..
A complete altered state isn't completely nessasary to download info, tho
You getting down in one likly helped...

As far as Vegitating.. Say in one day.. froze time and Meded 5 million times in a row... You would learn to maximally clear your mind as much as your
Being could support. Which may be enough to enter a nother reality altogether or just enough to feel slighly more relixed ...

It may take Years to get enough stress/fear based thinking off... inorder to get what meditation tries to clean out to disipate enough the window can
fully be cleaned.
Meditating doesn't lower Entropy (the practice of it).. But does help in walking around life lower entropy cuse you have a reference of a fearless
state..

I got Gnarul too. Try Dropping the Beat down to 3.75 then letting it slope back up to 4 hz.. Some where along the line is a sweet spot that... gets me
like a rollercoaster just dropped.

Cool Graphics.. Those kinda programs are fun. i use Carlson to model stuff. Using a program like its a third arm is an art on top of the art.

_________________
All Praise to Dez Bryant "Feed tha Beast"

Kroeran
No just like sounds in the audio file. you listen and try to keep up with the patterns Timing panning ect.
To me its an extremly good focuser...

Visuall mantras. Get heavy on the mind.. and puts the tool in my intelects hands...IE.. You might start thinking .. Am I making
this soccer ball to reall... moving it to fast... straning to hard...Why does it change...ect.

An Example of what i mean by taking it out of Intelects hands is...
Say you want to break a bench press record... And train for 4 years and eventually get 350 or something..
But one top of pushing the weight you have to use your legs to keep your Seat machine ballanced cuse it doesnt come with support....
Well training be smoother if the seat was already stablized and you just had to push..

Also staying with the metophor...
*Having the dots letts you track your progress you know the where abouts in the dot progression you lose focus...
Next time you have a range your shooting to better yourself..even if by just one second. it will add up.

-Also you can gauge when lifes activies takes you back a notch or helps a notch.. Thatts Invaluable...

Example:
*Last couple years i have casually lifted weights..changing lifts..schedule..volume..duration..
OVer that time i would come back to the lift i started with and would find i wasn't any stronger...
*In college when i would stick with one lift and track my progress. If i got XXx 5 reps..The next lift day i would have 6 reps in my mind..get 6 reps.. ONce ii got that nothing was going to stop ma from getting 7 reps so forth. uping wieght as i went. and gauged what mess it all up. Not drinking enough water.. not enough sleep..not enough time between body part ect..

Just an idea..Just an Idea...a theory.

_________________
All Praise to Dez Bryant "Feed tha Beast"

book 2, from pages 122-126 hit home about egos.

the combination of self-awareness and ego, and the pain it can cause. the pain caused by connection and expectation, driven by the ego.

i see this even now in me. my job is slow, i'm not making much money. those 2 adjectives, slow and not much, they hit at the root of my expectations. i'm quantifying my expectations, and my current situation as a less than.. it is painful! ouch!

thought i should note this in this thread for later retrieval if needed.

this idea in the book of egos causing pain, is keeping me up tonight.

it clicked in a way that's got my intellect running damage control, or searching for meaning or something. i'll write down the major points that are really bugging me about it.

i do freelance work, so my job is not very secure. i've been doing it since i have learned the program i use, about 2 years ago. when i finished the training i expected to find a nice secure job to support my family on that brought me fulfillment. that job never came about. so, for about 2 years i have been deeply frustrated with my work, and my skills, and the choice i made in this career. i even went into the training in hopes of getting better pay. the whole plan for the 2 years of training, and now the 2 years after, looking for a job, has been to find that good dream job.

it never happened. i do get income from freelance work, but it is terribly frustrating, and the work, frankly sucks, and is soul-sucking shit to deal with. i've come to hate my vocation because of it. most of the stuff i have to do involves fixing other people's mistakes, or just making stuff functional. it's repetitive, and uninspiring most the time. i'm not learning anything new at it. the people i have to deal with are jerks too.

i have for a while been working on my own art on the side to keep me "happy," but have not been able to do that for myself for a couple months now. my "job" has officially "gotten to me."

tom says that attachment and expectation has to be removed to remove the pain caused by those attachments and expectations. expectations brought on by a self-aware ego. the virtual reality simulator that is our local reality, gives us direct feedback on these fears. the struggles and fights of the ego and intellect feed back into the system and makes imagined fears manifest. if i understand that correctly. is my fear of under-performance, money anxiety, and such other related shortcomings directly causing... my shortcomings in life, in this area!? well shit! i went into school, i guess to fight a fear of not being successful, and to obtain that which i thought would make me happy, and my problems related to such have persisted for 4 years now... i suppose the times line up...

but how do i rectify this? my fears on money and such things are pretty founded on my PMR. if i don't make money, then my family doesn't eat healthily, and i can't provide my kids with good clothes. we are financially safe, and not really in any danger of losing that security, my wife has a good job luckily. i guess it's not a fear there...? i do know i wanted a decent house for my family, with a dog, and reliable automobiles, and space to express our creativity in the house itself. we want that very badly. we do see our happiness being hinged on that house. attachment. i guess the fear is in not obtaining that house, and achieving happiness through that. i fear my wife resents me, and this fantastic and bogus 4 year journey i've sent myself on. she doesn't seem to, but i fear she will eventually, and possibly does now subconsciously.

so, if my fears and expectations, fed into the virtual reality simulator spit out the manifest of those same fears, then how do you fight that? how do you fight that effectively, without losing happiness in the PMR? if i lost all attachment to this dream job and house, what would happen with my wife and kids who DO want that? one of our strongest relationship ties is we have common vision and dreams. i would effectively be giving up on that dream, by losing attachment to it! my wife and kids would see me not "striving to achieve" that dream. worst of all perhaps, is i don't think i can give that dream itself up! i want a workshop, and a shed. i want a dog. i want a car that runs good.

ugh, what a trap!

does giving up these attachments cause the PMR to GIVE you a better live? what's the tradeoff? if i give up on the aspirations, because the attachment and fear associated with it will cause it to not happen anyways, then will it happen anyways? is that another trap?

what do i do? enjoy each physical sensation for what it is, each beautiful rainbow filled day, and all that fuzzy crap instead?

i probably should read more. mayb he's got an answer for me. it better not be enjoy each beautiful rainbow filled day or i will be pissed.

my view, which I believe is supported by MBTOE, is that there are three broad categories of pain

pain that arises from ruleset violations at the primal, biological or R-complex level

pain that arises from ruleset violations at the practical PMR level, usually related to the interaction of the frontal cortex and left hemisphere, loosely speaking

pain that arises from ruleset violations of the higher ruleset


while the focus of spiritual meme systems normally is overweighted on the higher ruleset, and Tom's writings are consistent with this, this does not negate the lower rulesets, which must be considered in balance, and a study of Tom's life decisions is very informative in this regard, which are consistent with Bob Monroes path.

Where the TMI/MBTOE system differs from conventional spiritual systems is in its balance with practical living - the norm in this area is highly educated professionals and entrepreneurs who have no patience for what I might call crystal hugging bull pucky

Facing your practical family material obligations with the best competence you can muster, is the most TOEish thing you can do at this point. There is no spiritual escape

Meditation may help you have clarity as you work through this, and reduce the pain of pain, but I believe you need to have order in your practical life before investing too much in the weird stuff, which could become escapist.

I would suggest a diet of Antony Robbins for a bit for motivation and to open up your practical decision space.

You may need to focus on upgrading your marketing skills and start reading in this area, I think there is a book on Geurrilla Marketing. Ask those close to you if you have any social habits that may be undermining your marketing effectiveness...really ask them to be honest.

and blue sky your overall practical family situation?

do you need to relocate?

we worthy of NPMR help and then ask for it - I recommend complete physical prostration and submission to a higher power, on the off chance that there actually is one

study focused intent and visualise the reality you wish to manifest, and ask others to do so as well

when I was in my financial crisis, and waking up was not welcome, I would go through a ritual of thankfulness

thank you AUM for my ability to walk
thank you for my eyes

and so on

go to great effort to protect your marriage

what you are going through is precisely what you came here for

_________________
Does this PMR make my butt look big?

Vulture - It seems to me that your issue is control which is an issue of ego. You are finding it hard to control your situation and that frustrates you and makes you insecure. That in itself may make you a difficult spouse to live with.

It isn't the circumstances you find yourself in - it is what you do with the circumstances. Be grateful for the good things in your life. When you have a job you will look back wistfully on all the freedom you had with your old schedule of working free lance.

Learn to live gracefully with uncertainty.

Keep in your mind what you would like to happen, tell yourself "Best possible outcome." And then make the best out of what you get. You will be much happier. Growth comes one rung at a time.

Meditation may help you quiet and center yourself.

thank you both for the thoughtful replies!


i would be speaking dishonestly if i didn't say there is an "escapist" component to all of this for me. that component arises form frustration, and "throwing my hands up." i'm sort of looking answers here, as i am feeling i have exhausted answers in the PMR.

i'm taking steps to try and limit the "escape." i only entertain this "itch" when i have completed my daily tasks to the best of my ability, and try and not let it interfere with interactions with my family. mostly this is research and thinking done at night during my normal down time. this has the effect of keeping me physically "here" for the day to day, and keeping my mind on the tasks at hand without "flying off out there."

this is normally time i would be escaping anyways into a videogame :D


i will look him up tonight. thanx!


i could do more. the measurable feedback i get says that i am marketing myself "adequately," as i place highly in considerations for contracts, and "make the cut" in regards to final interviews for positions, so i'm beating out a fair amount of people. usually hundreds. the key word i guess would be "adequate," as in, "i have good stuff and get recognition, yet am not adequate ENOUGH to land that final position." i'll be honest and say though that there is a general sense in me of not being motivated to improve my marketing anymore than it is now. a lot of what else i could do is pretty unnatural to me and my temperament, but should do so nonetheless.



these considerations have been worked on for the past several months. i have expanded my applications from my region to the country in the interest of possibly moving if needed. it wouldn't be ideal, as my wife likes her job, but it may be something that is needed at this point, so we have considered it and have it open as a possibility.



i think i want to try this. how would this work exactly? do i put my head phones on with the intent of meeting "Ganesh" out there somewhere and kissing his feet?



i do this currently, as a part of my normal meditative practices, before coming to MBT. i'm worried at this point that i'ts causing further complications, or is flat out not helping. (bad intent!?) i have read some of Ted Voller's writings on intent however, that i have some thoughts on, to this point. i'll put it below my responses to the thread responses.

i have not asked others to send me their intent for this however. i could enlist my kids to do this! ha! if that works, i think i got a theory of how to "game" the PMR... have lots of kids, as many as possible, and have them ALL send you their intent to whatever purpose you need! intent batteries for your will!!! ahh... i kid of course.



i do this currently, and have for a while. if anything it keeps me sane. (relatively) i should do this more though!!!


-----


the issue is control. i want to be in control of my life, and feel i am not. the control i long for, would help me actualize the things i want to experience in my time here. the search however for this control, isn't to satiate a need for control, it's more i want to be able to "Do" what i want to do. for me, it's more analogous to say my issue is "freedom" and not so much the search for control. i don't mind not having control in most things, but i do want the freedom to paint my house the color i want, and drive a car that is decent, and own a workshop that allows me to build whatever i can and want. i don't mind if say, in a job, i don't get to "make the big calls" or if people throw wrenches into my things. that sort of stuff doesn't bother me. i don't want a "power boat," i want a boat that has a rudder.


i try very hard to be grateful for what i have. i am, and remind myself daily. it keeps me sane and positive. i recognize this NEED to be positive and not all "mopey" for my kids and wife. my actions i can see measurable benefits too. even though i am discouraged and pissed at my career, i can look at my kids and see that they are loving, happy and are comfortable with coming to me with any questions they may have, about anything. i can look at my wife and know that no subject is off the table, and know she is happy to spend time with me. my "feedback" there is all positive, so i'm at least "keeping the leak behind the bulkheads."

as far as looking back, i doubt i will look back at this fondly. there is no freedom here beyond being able to wear pajamas when i go to work. everything beyond that is very restrictive and ultimately damaging. i do see your sentiment however, and do see the benefits of wearing pajamas to work, and enjoy it and laugh about it. i however realize and feel the limits of the system i am in now, and find it non-conducive to my wellbeing as a whole sum. that's what bothers me.



these are good words. i like them. i feel i have this down pretty well. it feels unrelated to my problem however. it's not uncertainty so much getting me down, but the limits imposed by my situation. i probably gave the wrong impression above, as one of my whinges about my situation was the "uncertain paycheck." i should amend that and say, "the uncertainty of pay is limiting in the planning of future finances." also... the pay is shitty. so there's that. well, mostly that.



i meditate daily, and have so for a long time. i can center myself pretty easily. i can get into the moment. i can breathe the stress away. when my wife comes home form work, i tell her i have to go "center" away form my work, and i disappear outside for 10 minutes, and come back as myself, ready to engage her and my kids fully. i see the direct benefits of this and do it a lot. if i didn't do so, i would be an aggravating ass to deal with. if i don't center, and do all that fuzzy lumpy stuff, i do become distant, distracted, or detached. my wife fortunately knows me pretty well and works as a bumper for this happening. if she observes me doing this and i don't, she asks me "where are you now?" and then i am mindful of my state. i tell her "somewhere unpleasant" or something to that effect, then i go center, and POOF i'm there for her. hearing it reinforced from you though helps me know it's a priority.

---

i began reading some of Ted Voller's words on intent here: http://www.active-mysticism.com/Intent-2_5-1_0.pdf

the words have helped me think more about intent. i'm feeling my problem might be somewhere in it.

from the pdf:

i thought this was fantastically insightful!

some more:

if i were to examine my intent in "job" it would be to give my family more comfort, and myself more freedom. i desire comfort for my family, as i see that as being conducive to growth. i desire freedom for myself as i also see that as conducive to growth.

if i were to apply the "mirror" metaphor of my intent, as being sprung from "me" then i would say i value growth for myself and my family. i want this, and intend it to happen.

i never thought about it in these terms before, but having it "lain bare" is helping me to focus intent. it can get gnarled up in the PMR as "i want a car, or "i want a dog," or "i want XXX;" but i don't really want a car or dog, but growth that can COME from having either in my PMR available to me. hmm...

am i thinking about this right, or am i justifying, using intellect to build walls around my fears again? it doesn't feel like it, but just in case... someone should come along and punch a hole in my wall and tell me to get the hell out!



not sure how to dissolve this chunk in my head, other than to say "negative feedback isn't ALWAYS a result of unfocused/un-good intent?"

----

tonight i'm going to put my heads on. my intent will be to find someone to ask for help form. will report back tomorrow wih the results of the "experiment." anyone know any good NPMR entities phone numbers that give good rates on consulting a remodel of a career?

i made some changes to the binural beat file. i extended the time to 1hr, but left the "Stepping down" of the beats at the same length. i extended the "4hz" length of the file to about 45 minutes long. i also, per direction here added a slight "dip" in the 4hz range. i put a single tangent 2/3 of the way into the 4hz stretch, at about 3.7hz.

i put my headphones on and began about 12am last night, and would finish at 1am. i took the same position as before, in my computer chair with my feet up and arms on the armrests, resting them on my body. i also brought a glass of water with me this time, as in previous extended meditative practices i've done, i would sometimes feel my throat get dry and the sensation would be distracting. i began again, with normal relaxation breathing, and tried to focus on the beat as it went down. i held the intent in my mind that i would meet an entity and ask for help.

i had less trouble quieting my "monkey mind" this time than before going down. i began experiencing the dots again, and various other visual stimuli. i found myself in a large throne room at one point. it was stone and well decorated. i have a feeling that this visual was self created. i exited the throne on my own. it was at this point i actually discovered that my intent of documenting what i "Saw" here in this thread was distracting. i found myself reflexively saying "i need to remember this," "take note of this to record later" and such things. each time i did, i found myself losing the visual stimuli. i saw some other stimuli which was unremarkable, and would bounce back to those thoughts of recording. this went on for a while, the bouncing between visuals and the distracting thought of needing to "remember" it for later.

i eventually sort of "reset" my mindframe, and took a drink of the water, and calmed a bit down and attempted to put the intent of recording out of my head. i focused more on the beat, and after a long while i found the dots again.

eventually, i had the sensation that a red curtain was being pulled away from my vision, to the upper left by a rope. behind the curtain were stars. i "flew through" the opening created by the curtain and found myself in space. there was also a large un-peeled, orange in front of me from what i could tell. i followed the "orange" "up" and it eventually left me. i found myself in space, and sensed the earth behind me. i was alone, and it was quiet. it was around here i noticed that the visuals were stronger, and more "real" than previously. it was not real per se, but i was "somewhere," i could tell. in the previous "adventure" i didn't feel as if i was anywhere other than where i was the whole time, in my chair. in my mind, this time, i was referencing myself as being somewhere else.

i was sort of loitering in this space for a bit, not knowing where to go. i also found myself not able to "make" myself go anywhere at all! i remembered my mission of asking someone for help, but found that i did not have a destination. i didn't know who to ask, where to go. i was just out there, and having trouble knowing what to do. i expected going into this that i would "find someone, or someone would find me," IF anything at all would happen. i didn't consider that a destination would be needed, so was left in the middle of nowhere, not knowing where to go! noone found me either! noone was around!

it was around this point that it occurred to me that i needed a destination, or something to point me to. i don't know any mythology at all, other than what i encounter in national geographic magazines, so i, well, said "i'll go see Ganesha i guess." he's sort of like the McDonalds of this sort of request. he's certainly popular, he's probably got a big sign somewhere pointing to his throne...

i found him very quickly. he "appeared at my right" but i couldn't see him or his details or anything about him. i only saw a large possibly elephant figure sitting on a throne. there was no light illuminating him. i asked him if he could help me, and he indicated no, and pointed to my left.

so, i "moved" left. i shortly found myself going towards a small pool, or puddle. mind you, there was no ground under me, and no anything but space, so the pool was just a puddle suspended in the air at "walking height." more accurately, it was the surface of a puddle. a 2d plane of water just hanging out.

as i moved towards the puddle, i noticed there was somebody behind me. someone large. i turned and found a terrifying bird creature. as i saw it, i could not make out much about it. it was, like Ganesha, just a silhouette. i could see though, that it had a very long beak, and it's outline was terrifying. it walked towards me with it's wings spread, and could tell they were like bat wings, or possibly like a dragon or dinosaur's wings. it's beak was long and skinny and pointed.

i asked it if it could help me. he said yes. it asked if i could "make him" in an image of mine in payment. i told him i could barely see him, and from what i could see, he would not make a pretty picture. he insisted. i became skeptical at this point, and doubted his ability to help me. i could not see any way this terrifying shadow could help me, and could nto see any way i could make an image of this terrifying shadow.

i left! i went "up" form that position and away. it wasn't long before i noticed again, that i had no ability ot move on my own without a set destination. i was stuck. i noticed that the bird had followed me. he was behind me!

HE BIT ME! since he was so huge, and his beak was so huge, when he bit, he basically pinched my whole body. imagine a bird that's eating a frog, that's sort of how "big" the bite was.

the bite, to my relief did not hurt! it actually, felt good! he bit me a couple more times, and i welcomed it! sort of like a cat that nips at you when you pet it. it doesn't hurt, but is a sign of affection, and can be felt as affection.

so anyways, this large scary bird was affectionately biting me. i grabbed his beak, and felt it. IT FELT AMAZING! it felt like love i guess is a way to describe it. it felt like how it feels when i run my hands through my wife's hair, or when i hug my kids. i rubbed his beak more, and enjoyed it, and he let me do so without complaint.

it was about this point that i noticed that i could see him. he was no longer a scary shadow with leather-bat-like wings. he was a blue heron. he was quite large, but beautiful. i brushed his feathers too, but did not get the same sensation i did from his beak. i got nearly no sensation from him anywhere but his beak. i got the sensation that the beak was all there was to him, even though there was a bird body there accompanying the beak.

i asked him what he could do with this amazing beak. it was at this point i noticed we were back at that floating pool. in the pool was earth, or earth was beneath the pool, or the earth as reflecting in the pool? he reached into the pool and began moving reeds around, or strings, or beads. it was very hard to see, but i could tell that he was moving his beak with precision and determination. like a surgeon. i marveled at his precision as he moved stuff around in the pool.

he said he will fix some things for me ion the earth, and asked me again if i would make an image of him. i asked him what would happen if i don't. he said noting will happen. he may simply not help me if i don't.

he also showed me that he was a hunter, as well as a "surgeon." he caught some fish form the pool. they were inanimate blue fish. they looked like giant blue "sweedish fish." i marveled at his beak.

he told me i also have a beak. he said mine is different than his tho. mine is for "cracking deep" into things, and i was given an image well, of a vulture, splitting bones apart to get to marrow. the vulture split apart these bones like an axe splitting firewood.

i told him for this image, that a bird would not be too interesting, and i don't think i can do his beak justice. it was too marvelous and specific for me to show i thought. i asked about his body, and why it was not "real." i suspected at this point that i was not seeing him as he should be seen, or can be seen. i asked him to show me what else he looks like.

i then got visuals, strange visuals a lot like undeveloped Polaroids, or developing Polaroid film. it was very dark, and brown. i got a sense of a head and eyes, but that was it. everything else was very noisy in the images. colors and shapes that blended and melted together and changed shape instantaneously. colored outlines of shapes that pulsed different colors at the same time. i couldn't see what he was showing me.

i spent some more time petting his beak, then my binural beat file prompted me that it was ending soon, as the white noise element was coming back in. i told the bird i think i have to go, and he indicated he understood and flew off.

i then fell backwards, rapidly, from that position. mayb through the pool. i could not tell. the stars were replaced with white "fog," and i opened my eyes.

----


i struggled with the thought fo actually posting waht i saw for several reasons. i thought that by posting i might be introducing noise into future experiments, by the pesky thoughts of "having to remember this." i also considered that what i would post would make me seem insane, or fruity. mostly the latter was a concern. i thought for a while that i would just say that i encountered something, and not record it here in the public space. i finally figured i would.

i'm not sure what happened was real or not. it was different from my other vision, as it was definitely not self created. the beak on tis bird gave entirely too real sensations. even now i can "go there" and feel his beak, and get that memory of that sensation.


to keep myself grounded, as this is entirely weird stuff, i've told myself that it doesn't matter if there is some giant cosmic bird out there helping me or not. i will operate under the assumption that there isn't.

i've come to the conclusion that it was ultimately a positive experience, as it was "more fun" than playing any sort of videogame i would normally play at the time, and i have found motivation for a new piece for my portfolio... something i should be doing anyways now. so, if anything there's that. and that i suppose is positive.

as the last "adventure" however, i don't feel any differently than i did before, and i don't perceive the world around me differently than before. i feel the same, and seem to have the same thought processes, only this time i have a bit of motivation to do some mroe art, and a nice memory of some giant awesome bird.

i think i want to try this. how would this work exactly? do i put my head phones on with the intent of meeting "Ganesh" out there somewhere and kissing his feet? -Vulture


I must disclose that this is not really a TOE thing, but is something that flows from my earlier Christian and Buddhist intent forming experiences

I mean this literally...look up prostration...or find some other way to get their attention

I basically talked to the system and and said "look, I think I have been working very hard at trying to be a good person, and help people, and reduce my harmfulness, and I have never before asked for something for myself, and I am in deep trouble "

and then I sort of challenged the system to "show me what you got"

within a couple days something significant occurred which started me on the path out of the hole I was in

someone who is very close to me, but who is not religious or spiritual, is comfortable asking dead relatives to help, well, she did it only once, and it worked, but she was very worthy of help, and I think her relatives had pull

I think Tom would say these are just different ways to form directed intent.

I would extrapolate that if we have guides, and if there are OS managers and a big cheese as Tom asserts, this means there are NPMR dudes out there that you can communicate with, albeit one way, for those of us PMR constrained, such that, if you screem for help, someone might hear you, and they may help you....if they feel like it and if they think that the pain you are trying to avoid is unnecessary for your development

So, reach to demonstrate your quality of consciousness in your interactions, as hard as you can, to encourage them to feel like it, and work harder toward your goal, so that they can see your effort and have mercy
---
in this case, I would ask others to form intent by visualizing the scenario you want, rather than "sending" intent
--
If there is surplus time between doing contracts and job search, you should consider taking any work that is available, even work you may think is below you

_________________
Does this PMR make my butt look big?

a strange thing happened today.

i brought my kids to the local playgound to get some energy out. while i was there, i met another fellow in somewhat a similar situation as mine; doing shitty work in the field of media, for little pay. he was telling me that he was assisting a family member selling off some production equipment to Industrial Light & Magic.

it was at this point i realized i should give this guy my business card. it was also at this point i realized i had not brought my wallet with me, which is what i keep my cards in. i hadn't thought of it really. i just figured i was bringing the family to the park...

this oversight gave me some insight into my process of intent. it made me realize i am currently not as focused on acquiring these "fish" (leads) as i should be. if i were, those cards would be glued to my cheeks at all points. i'm a bit more discouraged than i self-reflectively thought, and it is affecting prospects.

anyways, i kicked myself about this. time to refocus on things. can't miss those "fish" when they swim by...

Coming from the lonely spot you find yourself (as the only person in your local environment with expasnsive and/or consciousness-based perspectives on reality), let me also recommend the works of Jane Roberts - especially the Seth material. It is extremely soothing and accessible, while at the same time standing as what i am coming to think of as the the most comprehensive, scalable, and internally consistent TOE available to earthlings in current times. You can start anywhere, but i will recommend Seth Speaks and Nature of Personal Reality as two good starting points, as each basically lays down the basics you'll need to grok anything in the other 25 or so volumes.