thank you both for the thoughtful replies!
Meditation may help you have clarity as you work through this, and reduce the pain of pain, but I believe you need to have order in your practical life before investing too much in the weird stuff, which could become escapist.
i would be speaking dishonestly if i didn't say there is an "escapist" component to all of this for me. that component arises form frustration, and "throwing my hands up." i'm sort of looking answers here, as i am feeling i have exhausted answers in the PMR.
i'm taking steps to try and limit the "escape." i only entertain this "itch" when i have completed my daily tasks to the best of my ability, and try and not let it interfere with interactions with my family. mostly this is research and thinking done at night during my normal down time. this has the effect of keeping me physically "here" for the day to day, and keeping my mind on the tasks at hand without "flying off out there."
this is normally time i would be escaping anyways into a videogame :D
I would suggest a diet of Antony Robbins for a bit for motivation and to open up your practical decision space.
i will look him up tonight. thanx!
You may need to focus on upgrading your marketing skills and start reading in this area, I think there is a book on Geurrilla Marketing. Ask those close to you if you have any social habits that may be undermining your marketing effectiveness...really ask them to be honest.
i could do more. the measurable feedback i get says that i am marketing myself "adequately," as i place highly in considerations for contracts, and "make the cut" in regards to final interviews for positions, so i'm beating out a fair amount of people. usually hundreds. the key word i guess would be "adequate," as in, "i have good stuff and get recognition, yet am not adequate ENOUGH to land that final position." i'll be honest and say though that there is a general sense in me of not being motivated to improve my marketing anymore than it is now. a lot of what else i could do is pretty unnatural to me and my temperament, but should do so nonetheless.
and blue sky your overall practical family situation?
do you need to relocate?
these considerations have been worked on for the past several months. i have expanded my applications from my region to the country in the interest of possibly moving if needed. it wouldn't be ideal, as my wife likes her job, but it may be something that is needed at this point, so we have considered it and have it open as a possibility.
we worthy of NPMR help and then ask for it - I recommend complete physical prostration and submission to a higher power, on the off chance that there actually is one
i think i want to try this. how would this work exactly? do i put my head phones on with the intent of meeting "Ganesh" out there somewhere and kissing his feet?
study focused intent and visualise the reality you wish to manifest, and ask others to do so as well
i do this currently, as a part of my normal meditative practices, before coming to MBT. i'm worried at this point that i'ts causing further complications, or is flat out not helping. (bad intent!?) i have read some of Ted Voller's writings on intent however, that i have some thoughts on, to this point. i'll put it below my responses to the thread responses.
i have not asked others to send me their intent for this however. i could enlist my kids to do this! ha! if that works, i think i got a theory of how to "game" the PMR... have lots of kids, as many as possible, and have them ALL send you their intent to whatever purpose you need! intent batteries for your will!!! ahh... i kid of course.
when I was in my financial crisis, and waking up was not welcome, I would go through a ritual of thankfulness
thank you AUM for my ability to walk
thank you for my eyes
and so on
i do this currently, and have for a while. if anything it keeps me sane. (relatively) i should do this more though!!!
Vulture - It seems to me that your issue is control which is an issue of ego. You are finding it hard to control your situation and that frustrates you and makes you insecure. That in itself may make you a difficult spouse to live with.
the issue is control. i want to be in control of my life, and feel i am not. the control i long for, would help me actualize the things i want to experience in my time here. the search however for this control, isn't to satiate a need for control, it's more i want to be able to "Do" what i want to do. for me, it's more analogous to say my issue is "freedom" and not so much the search for control. i don't mind not having control in most things, but i do want the freedom to paint my house the color i want, and drive a car that is decent, and own a workshop that allows me to build whatever i can and want. i don't mind if say, in a job, i don't get to "make the big calls" or if people throw wrenches into my things. that sort of stuff doesn't bother me. i don't want a "power boat," i want a boat that has a rudder.
It isn't the circumstances you find yourself in - it is what you do with the circumstances. Be grateful for the good things in your life. When you have a job you will look back wistfully on all the freedom you had with your old schedule of working free lance.
i try very hard to be grateful for what i have. i am, and remind myself daily. it keeps me sane and positive. i recognize this NEED to be positive and not all "mopey" for my kids and wife. my actions i can see measurable benefits too. even though i am discouraged and pissed at my career, i can look at my kids and see that they are loving, happy and are comfortable with coming to me with any questions they may have, about anything. i can look at my wife and know that no subject is off the table, and know she is happy to spend time with me. my "feedback" there is all positive, so i'm at least "keeping the leak behind the bulkheads."
as far as looking back, i doubt i will look back at this fondly. there is no freedom here beyond being able to wear pajamas when i go to work. everything beyond that is very restrictive and ultimately damaging. i do see your sentiment however, and do see the benefits of wearing pajamas to work, and enjoy it and laugh about it. i however realize and feel the limits of the system i am in now, and find it non-conducive to my wellbeing as a whole sum. that's what bothers me.
Learn to live gracefully with uncertainty.
these are good words. i like them. i feel i have this down pretty well. it feels unrelated to my problem however. it's not uncertainty so much getting me down, but the limits imposed by my situation. i probably gave the wrong impression above, as one of my whinges about my situation was the "uncertain paycheck." i should amend that and say, "the uncertainty of pay is limiting in the planning of future finances." also... the pay is shitty. so there's that. well, mostly that.
Keep in your mind what you would like to happen, tell yourself "Best possible outcome." And then make the best out of what you get. You will be much happier. Growth comes one rung at a time.
Meditation may help you quiet and center yourself.
i meditate daily, and have so for a long time. i can center myself pretty easily. i can get into the moment. i can breathe the stress away. when my wife comes home form work, i tell her i have to go "center" away form my work, and i disappear outside for 10 minutes, and come back as myself, ready to engage her and my kids fully. i see the direct benefits of this and do it a lot. if i didn't do so, i would be an aggravating ass to deal with. if i don't center, and do all that fuzzy lumpy stuff, i do become distant, distracted, or detached. my wife fortunately knows me pretty well and works as a bumper for this happening. if she observes me doing this and i don't, she asks me "where are you now?" and then i am mindful of my state. i tell her "somewhere unpleasant" or something to that effect, then i go center, and POOF i'm there for her. hearing it reinforced from you though helps me know it's a priority.
i began reading some of Ted Voller's words on intent here: http://www.active-mysticism.com/Intent-2_5-1_0.pdf
the words have helped me think more about intent. i'm feeling my problem might be somewhere in it.
from the pdf:
However, I cannot see how we can develop an Intent,
the outward pointing vector, without also developing a corresponding conception
of who and what we are, the inward pointing vector. These two ‘things’
are effectively mirror relationships.
i thought this was fantastically insightful!
Once we achieve an awareness of and degree of access to our own Intent and our Self Concept, we
have in effect a mirror in which we can see our true selves.... Our Intent shows the results of our entropy reduction process. We are then in a
position to perceive any conflicts within ourselves and move toward their elimination.
It is where our basic nature is clear or conflicted and our entropy level
can be measured.
if i were to examine my intent in "job" it would be to give my family more comfort, and myself more freedom. i desire comfort for my family, as i see that as being conducive to growth. i desire freedom for myself as i also see that as conducive to growth.
if i were to apply the "mirror" metaphor of my intent, as being sprung from "me" then i would say i value growth for myself and my family. i want this, and intend it to happen.
i never thought about it in these terms before, but having it "lain bare" is helping me to focus intent. it can get gnarled up in the PMR as "i want a car, or "i want a dog," or "i want XXX;" but i don't really want a car or dog, but growth that can COME from having either in my PMR available to me. hmm...
am i thinking about this right, or am i justifying, using intellect to build walls around my fears again? it doesn't feel like it, but just in case... someone should come along and punch a hole in my wall and tell me to get the hell out!
It does not give us the power to arbitrarily change our experiences
and thus the general reality of PMR and its development based on probabilistic
and free will factors. But it does permit us to interactively create a path
of optimum experiences and optimum reactions to them and accept what might
be undesirable experiences as part of the training of those with whom we interact
as part of the learning opportunities they are experiencing in their own PMR
not sure how to dissolve this chunk in my head, other than to say "negative feedback isn't ALWAYS a result of unfocused/un-good intent?"
tonight i'm going to put my heads on. my intent will be to find someone to ask for help form. will report back tomorrow wih the results of the "experiment." anyone know any good NPMR entities phone numbers that give good rates on consulting a remodel of a career?