In the Test- PASSED! (A place to share your "tests")
thread in the Spiritual and personal growth part of the forum I inserted the question asking if anybody would take the time to hear me my story. So far I have found support I did not dare to hope for from the forum, since normally the spiritual is not a topic that can easily be discussed in every day life. Since my spiritual journey began I have been almost completely alone; more often than not, doubting myself and my experiences, and even for a short time fearing I was going insane. But I am finally coming to accept that perhaps it wasn't all my imagination. I surely wouldn't have been able to get this far without Thomas Campbell.
I am not proud of how I got this far. I consider myself very lucky. I will tell you everything I think I should, and hope that it will in some way help me, help you, or at least facilitate conversation and mutual support. That is my intention. And to at least feel less alone. I'll try to keep it short as possible, although I have a lot I want to share.
-A Normal Life
As a citizen of the Maltese republic, one of the smallest countries in the world, I was born into a quiet, safe and unassuming life on a small island in the middle of the Mediterranean. I grew up in Germany but returned to Malta by the time I was a teenager. I was always a devout believer, but I realised that my religion had a lot of cultural baggage. I could not bring myself to believe that non-Christians would go to hell. I did not think God, if there was one, could be limited by beliefs or culture, or could be that cruel or blind.
So I was open to the bigger picture. But not having any experience of the bigger picture, I guess it just made me an open-minded Christian.
Then I went to Amsterdam for my 18th birthday. Oh boy.So it begins
Amsterdam is where I consider my spiritual journey to have begun. Like I said earlier, I am not proud of how I got where I am to be today. But I don't regret anything either.
I went to Amsterdam with a couple of friends and just wanted to experiment for a bit before going back home to my unassuming, normal life. I had no prior history of drug use, but I wanted a little adventure. So I tried a psychedelic called Hawaiian Baby Woodrose.
The drug alters the way you think. It lowers your mental barriers and defences and brings you face to face with that which you have ignored. It makes you observant. You can 'see into people's souls', noticing everything about them that you would never normally notice.
I walked the streets of Amsterdam seeing all these frightened, angry people. All of them were putting on an act. Very few of them were genuinely happy to be where they were. But they were in pursuit of some idealized idea of happiness and it showed through plain as day that they were miserable and blind. I was given a new understanding of how people worked.
And I also realised my own flaws, my misdeeds and I understood how terrible all the bad things I ever done were. It was a revolutionary night that opened my eyes to the very basics of what makes people tick.The Power of Insecurity
The drug, as I said earlier, gives you the ability to understand people on a very, very powerful level. It also destroys your own inhibitors, mentally. That means it can make you into a very, very powerful individual. You know exactly how to get your way, and people can sense that power. It is incredible.
Unfortunately, the fearlessness I had gained was used for selfishness and underlying it I was still extremely afraid of a lot of things. I was living a lie. Bit by bit my rampage slowed to a halt and everything fell apart around me like a deck of cards. People saw through my charade. I even got dumped, and that was that. I had learned a lesson.NPMR To the Rescue
But the drug had also given me other experiences. Those same few months there were many times I would sit with my friend, who would also be on it, and we would discuss aspects of the Nature of Reality that blew our minds.
I remember vividly how during the Christmas holidays we sat down on the beach, looking out across the dark ocean and up at the stars. There were fireworks behind us. And we sat there, having a conversation that was part verbal and part telepathic. We were receiving information, then. In my head I was told that reality could be symbolized like the sun, and that all was One.
That symbolism was one of my first validations, because I remember reading about Neoplatonism shortly after on Wikipedia, and seeing reality described using a picture of the sun.
Our discussion were the first steps into understanding NPMR.
Shortly after I started to come off the drug, Fate led me to download a great deal of random ebooks. Amongst those ebooks were, 'coincidentally', Robert Monroe's trilogy and Robert Bruce's Astral Dynamics. They fascinated me, giving me a context to start understanding my experiences.
I began to practice meditation and to attempt astral projection.
I remember lying down on my bedroom floor and imagining invisible tendrils running over the soles of my feet, trying to stimulate an energy flow up my body. And to my amazement, I began to feel things. I felt the tendrils and I began to feel vibrations. And I read about the vibrations in the books! So I had to be on to something! I practised and I practised and I got far enough that I could lie in bed and feel like I was on a swing.
Images, hopes and dreams filled my mind that Spring. I dreamed of exploring the multiverse and learning the secrets of reality. I forgot about my social life and was happy to stay home and learn more about NPMR. I remember being at my grandparents and sitting upright, feeling the vibrations. The only time I did not feel vibrations back then was perhaps when I was walking.
But I even reached a point where I was walking and feeling dizzy, almost like as if I was in a dream. Vibrations, vibrations and flashes of light, colours and strange dreams.First OBE?
Then it happened. It was purely an accident, but it happened. I woke up one morning and promptly began to fall asleep again. But I had rehearsed the movements so many times, that I 'rolled out' of my body.
I hit the ground. And blackness overcame me. A split second later, I was no longer in my room. I was not even on Earth. Or in this universe. I was in a White Void. An immense White Void that did not have the spatial dimensions of the physical. Despite the lack of comprehension of space, I still felt like a tiny insect... an insect who had just wandered into a parallel universe.
There was whispering going right over my head. The whispering was coming from beings, and it was also coming from everywhere. The beings paid no attention to me. I was far too tiny and unimportant; a momentary guest, a mere blip on the radar. I was afraid. I did not know how to navigate this reality. But more than fear, I felt excitement and fascination.
Then something distracted me. A noise. I opened my eyes. I was back on Earth.The Decline
I was ecstatic. Finally! I had the proof I needed! Reality was just like Robert Monroe described it!
I told one of my best friends, who was receptive.
But then doubts began to creep in. Somebody who was also into astral projection told me online that it might have been a dream.
I broke down. After months of effort, had I just had a mere dream? With the benefit of hindsight, I know that what I felt was no mere dream. But nonetheless, that was the beginning of the end for me. I had crashed.
Slowly but surely, I lost the vibrations. I could not control my astral projection, and so it began to go away. Day by day, week by week, month by month my enthusiasm died as I gradually lost everything I had gained.
I still had random lucid dreams or incursions into the unknown. In one episode I remembered being pulled back in a projection and these beings giving me a jumble of information. The information was that I would do badly in my exams and get rejected from university, but that I would then get in anyway. That was exactly what happened over the following months.Doubts, Despite New Frontiers
By the time I got into university the old flare of adventure had died out. I still practised meditation, but I only did it before bed and it never led to anything. Life went on. The physical became more important for a while.
On the side, I continued to read about the esoteric. I read the Ra books and My Big TOE.
But my excitement waned over time and I realised that knowledge in of itself was worthless. Experience had to back it up. Growth had to be on a real tangible level, not an intellectual level. This is a realisation I came to over time.
I discarded the Ra books and stuck with My Big TOE and eventually Seth.
By Spring, the time of NPMR happenings, I was to try the drugs from Amsterdam again.An Old Friend
A friend I had made at university wanted to try the drugs. I also felt like 'Fate' had brought me into contact with him, since he was the first person who came close to being able to relate to me about NPMR.
The experience we had on the drugs was the most intense I have ever had so far. Two things of true note happened.
One was that I felt I was suddenly brushing against the consciousness of an IMMENSE, ADVANCED and POWERFUL being. It was a feeling that was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. It was literally otherwordly. The being did not consider me important or noteworthy, but it had some advice for me, possibly having stumbled across me or vice versa.
It was that I was over-thinking and over-analysing in my quest for Truth. I was approaching spiritual development from the wrong angle. A god had spoken.
When I went home, I also came to the most important conclusion of my life. I realised that all human beings want, the only thing they want, is to be loved and accepted. Suddenly, EVERYTHING made sense. Why people acted the way they do finally clicked into place. It reminded me of Amsterdam, in a sense. In Amsterdam I saw people going out and not having fun, pretending and acting - and I realised why. It was because they wanted to be loved. They were doing what they thought they had to do to find acceptance and warmth and light. They were just really, really bad at it!
As soon as I realised the importance of love, an immense energy hit my forehead. It was a blazing light. Suddenly, a kaleidoscope superimposed itself over my vision. It was energy of love and powerful and Truth. The light intensified on my forehead and my Third Eye began to yawn open, like a forced action.
I was so desperate to keep my Third Eye open that it gradually closed again, going back to sleep. Exhausted, I eventually fell asleep.Depression, Nihilism and Denial
But I also learned another valuable lesson. Spiritual experiences faded, and once they were gone, all my old problems came back. My old fears, my old insecurities, my old doubts. They were all there waiting for me once the drug wore off.
So normal life resumed. I had several excruciating confrontations with my pride, as I received a guest from home. She was a girl I 'loved' for four years, who never returned my affection. She had come to visit me at university and stay with me for a week. Her feelings had not changed. It was a very painful realisation, and I felt used. I think she just used me for free accommodation to explore where I was living. I had an argument with her and I came to a crossroads. I had a choice to make.
I could either kick her out or swallow my pride and do the opposite of what she probably expected. Even if she had used me, I could prove her low opinion of me wrong by treating her like royalty and making sure she enjoyed her stay. So I dressed up, made her a lavish dinner and she enjoyed her stay.
Once that was over more tests came and life went on. Gradually, however, due to my lack of ability to explore NPMR I came to wonder if NPMR was actually just a delusion that manifested itself under drugs.
I was so afraid of death, deep down, that I knew I would have to leave the comforts of Robert Monroe's books behind me. Whether they were true or not, I first had to come to terms with the possibility that death was the end.
I was depressed for a very long time. I saw no meaning in life, and often considered confronting death on my own terms. I wanted to die. But somehow I went on. I loved my family and I had a lot to live for.
I visited an old relative in Jerusalem, facing my worst fears in a hospital of the terminally ill. I saw strength in the people who worked there and I learned that even the worst things could be faced with dignity.
Alan Watts also taught me that even if death is the end, then it doesn't make me any less One with the universe. So in that sense, death really isn't the end, even if Atheism is correct.Back into the Game
I had quit the drugs. I had quit them for a while, in a way. But there were a few times I came back to them simply because I had curious friends who I had shown the entrance to NPMR.
One friend learned of NPMR with a particularly fascinating experience - telepathy. We were lying on the beach in complete silence, and the feeling entered my head that I had connected to her on a fundamental level, a telepathic one. I could communicate with her non-verbally. So instantly, she turns around and asks me (physically) "What are you thinking?!"
And I said "Telepathy".
She was amazed.
I have many stories like that. Along the way I've opened the eyes of at least two or three people to the possibilities implied by consciousness. I am still in contact with them today, and feel like I am their guide, in a sense. I have talked them through fearful situations and have helped them take their first steps into NPMR. I've quit the drugs but I don't regret them, and I know that these friends would not have become aware of the implications behind consciousness unless they had taken the drugs.
A lot of my life seems to have been planned out with sheer coincidence being unlikely. I am sure that the drugs were an intended nudge into NPMR and that I was meant to take them. Having learned my lesson from them, I don't need them any more and I can't learn anything more from them.How MBT Affected Me
Once I had overcome my fear of death after Israel, I began to watch My Big TOE videos online. I continued on the path of spiritual development and improved my life through sheer willpower, confronting fears, lowering my entropy and practising meditation.
Tom even replied to me on Youtube, inspiring me to come to the forum.
I asked him:
Dr. Campbell, I've been following you for years, ever since I picked up Monroe's books after having a few peculiar experiences of my own. But I have so many questions I wish I could ask you. The past few years have been frustrating to say the least. There are a lot of spiritual teachers out there, talking of enlightenment and using big terms. How do their world views on enlightenment fit into this? Why does reality evolve predatory animals that rely on killing and being afraid to survive?
Most of these philosophers you speak of have a piece of the big picture but not the whole picture. Many also have some beliefs that travel along with their interpretation of their truth. A few have much more belief than truth. If you don't take what you hear literally (it is all personal interpretation in terms of metaphors), you may find more similarity. The rule-set evolved predators - predators are a logical consequence of the rules that govern the VR simulation.
What science proves true and what the average scientist believes is true are two very different things. Scientists are products of their culture and are full of fear, ego, expectations, and caught in belief traps just like most everybody else. Telepathy (communications without sense data) is a fact, proven many times, (see Dean Radin's work) but not accepted by mainstream science caught in a objective causality belief trap.
And that's what he said. ^Thanks
In conclusion, that's a very shoddy summary of how I came to be here. Recently I began to return to Thomas Campbell, because I feel he's the most trustworthy source of information on Reality I've ever come across. I am finally relatively happy and I am always learning new lessons.
Whatever may come, I will accept it and I can deal with it.
But I do hope that I will learn to master NPMR to an extent that I can be a teacher, because that is my life's aspiration. I want to show my father, who is afraid of old age and death, that he is in good hands and that he will always be loved. I want my sick grandmother to know that she was right to have faith in all things good, despite these chaotic times.
I felt like a failure in the past because I failed to astral project on my own terms. For some reason, the vibrations never returned in full strength like they had in the beginning. I don't know why that is. Beliefs, perhaps?
Also, I feel guilty about the drug use. But even then, I consider the drugs valuable tools, because they help me show others, who are willing to learn, the borders of NPMR and they become open to the bigger picture. I mean this in the context that Thomas Campbell said, that the only time he thought drugs were useful was when they created an experience that opens people up and then they stopped using the drugs after the experience.
In that sense, I don't know if I should continue to open peoples' eyes in this fashion in the future should 'Fate' put such people in my way. I consider the last person whose eyes I had opened not to have been coincidental, because she had done a lot of prior reading and only joined in on the experience by unlikely chance.
Nonetheless, I still feel guilty about having done the drugs at all. I don't know what to think. I feel terrible and dirty because the popular consensus is so dead-set against them that I feel like a bad guy. But I've come such a long way in two and a half years that it's incredible and whether drugs are bad or not, I wouldn't have progressed this quickly without the learning opportunities they created.
But regardless, thanks for bearing with me if you actually read this far. I am not sure I said what I wanted to or needed to, but that's my story. I've told it to only a few others before, and they don't understand what I have to say half as well as any of you do.
So thank you for being you.