Duration: about 18 minutes
Posture: sitting on the edge of my computer chair
Changed a couple of sounds in the mantra because the new one feels more "natural" and seems to "roll along" all by itself, with me having to put almost no effort into keeping it repeating itself. That was definitely a step forward. I'll keep it, as it makes things a lot easier. Otherwise, identical to session #1 - except for the fact I was sitting in a different place.
What surprised me was that this time, there was much less "noise" than expected - as far as noise constituted by verbal
chatter is concerned. I experienced "extended" periods without any internal dialogue at all. By "extended" periods, I of course mean incredibly long time intervals of up to 10-20 seconds... :) May not seem like much - but I'll rate this as a step in the right direction. When chatter did occur, it lasted for very short periods of time, compared to my previous sessions - and I didn't have to "beat back" the lines of internal dialogue - they were kind enough to disappear of their own accord.
My previous realisation that there is this part of me that's just... well... "aware" of it all, but shuts up, was a real breakthrough for me. Deciding to pay close attention to that part as much as possible feels like another step in the right direction. What really helped in this regard was this post by Sainbury
. Thanks again for putting those together - reading that was definitely an "A-HA!"-moment for me.
No on to the less-than-optimal stuff - because I realised there are obstacles on this path I hadn't even considered up until now. Although I managed to ever so slightly turn the noise down a bit and although I managed to pay a bit closer attention to the "aware-and-silent"-part and although I am very confident I'll be able to completely shut off the "internal verbal
gibberish" in my mind in just a few weeks of practice, I have no idea how to deal with the noise which is non-verbal
. As I tuned down the internal verbal dialogue, I just kept getting more aware of the input from by body's sensory organs. The better I managed to keep internal word-salad out, the more the cacophony became a multi-sensory one. I could feel, hear and smell all this... STUFF! I think I now "get it" as far as "shutting up" is concerned - but how on Earth am I supposed to switch off the input of my sense organs? Not to mention that when I managed, for the briefest periods of time, to experience intervals without any sensory input from the outside world, my mind started making up
sensory experience. Visuals projected on the back of my eyelids - some concrete, some abstract... weird mental noises... weird pseudo-tactile sensations which I know existed only in my mind... These things are not words - but they are still "noise" as far as I can tell.
I feel a bit overwhelmed. It feels like I managed to move one small pebble out of the way - only to look up for the first time and see the giant mountain blocking my road.
This is bloody hard work.
And worst of all: I have no idea how to proceed, other than what I have been doing already. Maybe I should look over Ted's paper on intent a couple more times.
But I'm putting the horse before the cart, I think. I'll just keep going and worry about the non-verbal stuff when I've managed to completely get rid of the verbal stuff for at least 20-30 minutes at a time. Which, considering the snails-pace of my progress, could definitely take a while... :)
Thank you for reading this and see you soon. ;)