How to deal with Narcissism

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JanPeet
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How to deal with Narcissism

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I have a problem with a roommate:

He once stated to me that he didn't like what I was doing, not helping him in the garden, not contributing to the commune as he wished.
The thing is that we never had any aggreement on me living with him. We have a garden and a big living room. We did music and stuff together occasionally, gardening wasn't my thing and didn't do much there.
He wished to have someone sharing his passions and interest fields. I did in some areas. But at that point as he was mad throwing his anger at me and I first was swallowing it.
Not knowing what to say retreating back to kitchen cooking I thought about what he was saying. He had some points which I could see like regressing and not doing much with my life at that point.
I came back to him after couple of minutes telling him that I see some points but that he can't expect someone to please him and his ideals and share his hobbies so he has someone to share with.
He also said he can't believe that someone is so nice all the time and is angry about that. After that whole thing I stopped being lovely and nice to him and avoided his presence.

Over time we built up some kind of unease aroung each other. I was kind of afraid not being accepted as I am and afraid I cant show myself as I am. It got harder and harder for me to express my love as my fear of being wrong with my love and doing caring stuff just to avoid my own fears. I struggled half a year with that.

He then got to a point where he was going to get a girlfriend. He said now this will make me happy. Well you know how that works right? I didn't mention this problem, he looked for affirmation and conformity, someone that shares his views, dreams, wants, desires.
Well the girl stepped into his life. They hada lot of time together in the beginning, fitting well, making fun of each other and doing silly things. He found his girl that goes along with his dreams.
She was smoking and wanted to stop through his enthusiasm and motivation to stop. She was also not the most motivated person to be disciplined to learn for school as he did. He was really into changing his diet, doing homework and is very disciplined.
Now as she couldn't stop smoking because she found herself not wanting to, he got mad and opressed her making bad comments about her behaviour. More and more they got more distant and she felt controlled and in unease around him, she feared not doing it right and was changing quite drastically. She got smaller and smaller and was less enthusiastic and less happy.

Then she made a statement, went away for 2 weeks and didn't message him. She needed a brake. He then got angry, mad and was frustrated all the time, running around as a ball of madness energy which influenced the whole commune. I did tell him what I think about this whole situation. That he is not really listening to her needs and just wants her to change.
Later on he realised that he should not be the one changing others, he learned that lesson :). He also said he realised that he got a narcisstic personality which he states comes from his mother.

I couldn't deal with his bad emoitions, I didn't want to mess with it and left him alone in this time. Later I realised how teeply rooted his fear of not being good enough could be. The fact he got again "betrayed" and that he can't trust anybody anymore and that he is much more careful who to love now as he can't trust anybody is sad.

I now have trouble just being around him, it feels not so good and I am wondering how much I should just accept and move on, leaving those kind of persons behind that draw the attention to them all the time, just talking about themselves and what they are doing. I am really exhausted. It felt like he looked for a release mechanism for his emotions: I meditte quite often and when he came around the emotion got bad (maybe also because of my fear of being hurt, I am aware of that) and I just watched that emotion. My view of him got more and more bad as I watched his behaviour.

He was suscipous all the time: I once was sitting outside with his girlfriend, laughing really hard and he came at the window staring at us and it felt him being a little envy. I also had trouble connecting to his girlfriend as he was always being suspicious.

But in other times he is also very Kind and loving and he does alot to get his life in a really good situation.
He does a training as a youth and home educator. He has dreams and is very interested in gardening and buddishm, talking about him reaching enlightenment and he wants to grow.
But there is still some resistance on my side that can't let him be and move on. I want to just let him go, be polite and helping and whishing him best of luck. He also is just fearful and reacting unconsciously. But when I am around a person where I am not feeling good, I can just move on, right? What do you think about this? I am constantly in that struggle of not being able to let relationships go that are not helpful and drag myself down. Mostly these are old long relationships.

Well this was a long rant, hopefully someone can help me, as this drags my self view really down. Am I just to full of fear and how to deal with negative people. I don't have to solve everybodys problem and lift them up with positivity as that is sometimes just not positive. Also I had the believe that by lifting others up, I drag myself a little down. Its like the water level that wants to be equalised. Any comments on that also?

Thank you
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Sainbury
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Re: How to deal with Narcissism

Post by Sainbury »

TOM: Stop thinking, judging, expecting, analyzing, comparing, assessing, guessing, second guessing, assuming, etc. Stop thinking. Just be and experience existence without analysis. Simply experience the world you sense without attaching anything to it with your intellect. Be in the moment, observe without assessing or judging everything by how it affects and interacts with you. Do what seems intuitively right each moment -- accept and learn from the consequences -- experience/live reality moment by moment rather than limiting your reality to a little more than a reflection of fears, worries, needs and wants projected by your intellect.

http://www.my-big-toe.com/forums/viewto ... 149#p61149
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Re: How to deal with Narcissism

Post by THEONE »

Find solitude ... one of my favorite things to do is sit outside in nature alone doing nothing.

Some of my favorite beings on earth= my dogs.

There is enough people to deal with in public and at work, etc . Strive to find peace and solitude. Most people on this earth are not on your path.
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Re: How to deal with Narcissism

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According to theory we are more than an avatar immersed in a constrained reality. We are encouraged to accept that premise and view this reality from that perspective in this lifetime rather than after transition.
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Re: How to deal with Narcissism

Post by Mundarah »

When you are driven to grow and that drive is more powerful and lasting than any human relationship you have ever had, taking in people/roommates /friends/girlfriend/maybe a wife and you reach a point in your growth... you don't really need or want them around you any longer, you don't want and might regret the restraint,, because you made a commitment to take care of someone, you come to a point and realize they need to take care of themselves and you are actually hurting them for allowing them to become lazy in the life process, not being, thinking and doing for themselves but relying on others for their wellbeing. The energy they carry is affecting your growth and you would be better off alone just having to take care of yourself and keep your energy high and rising, when you have to deal with others who are not as focused on personal growth for any length of time it starts to depress you and change your energy because you are around it 24x7, you are not a yet a Guru/teacher/master but a mere student trying to reach a level to be beneficial to others. You/her/them have no commitment to each other and in fact that human commitment may be limiting you from reaching your own power and growth due to relying on others for your needs and fulfillment. leave or help him leave, that would be the best thing for all involved, he sounds like he needs his space to work out his conflicting issues and sometimes the war inside yourself while you work out what you believe vs the new knowing that that is arising on your path to growth. The path to personal growth has many waves of ups and down, its not just up, up, up . You very well may have a few years of down,down,down while you adjust to the first level of up, but then you have an UP that blows past your highest ever known up level and you no longer have a need to experience the downs, you are forever changed at the core.

-Mundarah
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JanPeet
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Re: How to deal with Narcissism

Post by JanPeet »

All those Points from you are really helpful and giving me more perspectives to see the world from.
Getting into the intuitive, stop thinking, finding Solitude and peace, moving on and letting others be in respect and understanding their point of view and try to still be helpful.

This is really not an easy thing to do sometimes, especially when I am so unsure about my own state of being and when I fear not being good enough as I get more silent and wanting to withdraw from social engagement more often. Its ups, downs, downs, ups, etc.

The last couple days were very fruitfull, applying all those things you guys said and several other hints from life that leading me to my passions, creativity and solitude and that it is ok to not sending love constantly to everybody but also to allow myself to go inside, to meditate, to find tranquility and silence.

Thank you guys for replying and being helpful to me, it impacts my life quite a lot <3
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Re: How to deal with Narcissism

Post by Sainbury »

Nobody is good enough or not good enough. You are just where you are and work on yourself from there.
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