Expectation in relationships

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JanPeet
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Expectation in relationships

Post by JanPeet »

Recently I discussed with my friends about this:

We all knew from experience that if one has a negative picture of another, the behavior is then colored by that expectation.
Now as Tom says, it is good to have no expectations to have the best possible understanding of another or an experience in general.
Now we asked if it is helpful to expect always positive things from others.
Having a positive attitude to everybody and thinking and feeling in terms of :"I love you just the way you are and I know you are way more capable of doing stuff in this PMR or NPMR" should provide a good vibrational field to open up other possibilities. Now I was questioning that from the perspective of MBT and said in the discussion that it still is an expectation and not TRUE or realistic.

What are your thoughts on that?

Another thing that I went through the last couple of months was the following:

Do I need a certain degree of determination or sureness in terms of my own being and subjective world in order to sort all the information coming through the intuitive and not to get confused with those? Because the more I meditate the more I seem to be aware of feelings and thoughts of people around me. Would it be helpful to be clear on my own rules and world views? I guess I answered it myself, it is really important as one has to make some borders and orders.

And when someone is going over my borders I have trouble holding them or being clear about them. Is there a way to not hurt others and making healthy borders? Cause in the past year I was just living for others in the intuitive and I haven't had strong borders and it felt like being sucked out and left empty..

Thank you for your time! <3
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Re: Expectation in relationships

Post by Human+ »

I love you just the way you are and I know you are way more capable of doing stuff in this PMR or NPMR
First part is acceptance rather than expectation which is good, second part is projecting a belief which is not necessary. What's dependent of your inner feelings and positivity whether that person is actually more capable of doing stuff in PMR & NPMR or not? It can be helpful in feeling positive emotion but the statement reads more like an affirmation, like you're trying to dress up your external reality where love/positivity I think should permeate from inner-self conflict resolution without needing to verbalize anything or project expectations.


And when someone is going over my borders I have trouble holding them or being clear about them. Is there a way to not hurt others and making healthy borders? Cause in the past year I was just living for others in the intuitive and I haven't had strong borders and it felt like being sucked out and left empty..
I'm not clear on the context you would mean this.
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Sainbury
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Re: Expectation in relationships

Post by Sainbury »

I think, like all of us, you are wrestling with your ego. Do, I just go along with things I don't want because I want to be popular? When can I say 'No' and not feel bad about myself or the other person? Where are my boundaries between what I need for myself and what I should do for other people?

Here is a post from Tom that may be helpful. It is one of my favorites.

Stop thinking, judging, expecting, analyzing, comparing, assessing, guessing, second guessing, assuming, etc. Stop thinking. Just be and experience existence without analysis. Simply experience the world you sense without attaching anything to it with your intellect. Be in the moment, observe without assessing or judging everything by how it affects and interacts with you. Do what seems intuitively right each moment -- accept and learn from the consequences -- experience/live reality moment by moment rather than limiting your reality to a little more than a reflection of fears, worries, needs and wants projected by your intellect.
http://www.my-big-toe.com/forums/viewto ... 149#p61149
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JanPeet
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Re: Expectation in relationships

Post by JanPeet »

What's dependent of your inner feelings and positivity whether that person is actually more capable of doing stuff in PMR & NPMR or not?
I'd say if I see the potential and the Intention of a person but that person is struggling with fear, then I want to encourage that person and feel positive.
It can be helpful in feeling positive emotion but the statement reads more like an affirmation, like you're trying to dress up your external reality where love/positivity I think should permeate from inner-self conflict resolution without needing to verbalize anything or project expectations.
That is what I thought too. I also think it is not helpful to generally expect more of a person even if it is positive because it can give them a feeling of not being good enough.
I'm not clear on the context you would mean this.
What I was doing was following: I thought I was taking emotions from others to make them feel better by making myself small and not having anything to say contrary to what other people would say.
If someone for example showed behavior that would not align with my beliefs (f.e. If someone imposes his will upon me or his belief structure or anything that feels bad to me) then I didn't stay up for myself and said anything. But I answered it now. I need courage to go into a conflict. Sometimes conflict is needed and I avoided conflict nearly my hole life.
I come from a "good heart" family where conflict was rare and always put under the rug. I have trouble to avouch for me in some regards. But all of that drops when I stay in the moment and just act out naturally. Then I won't hold back and will tell what I feel.

Hey Sainbury, that quote you have told me a couple times already and I get it again and again and loosing it. It is really the essence and very simple. I will not forget it again :)
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Re: Expectation in relationships

Post by Sainbury »

I printed it out and posted it on my refrigerator for years. :)
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