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PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2015 4:03 pm 
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Hi All,

To be blunt, I'm dealing with a divorce. After a 19 year relationship, I am fortunate enough to have two lovely kids but I'm a little torn on how to deal with relationship troubles with my ex wife which I believe affect my relationship with my kids? Further more, how to deal with such issues whilst working towards lowering entropy?

I appreciate we bring our own filters to our this PMR reality however, I truly feel that my ex wife is being purposely obstructive with my 'non-restricted' access, particularly when it comes to the timing of phone calls.

The dilemma is this; I want to prevent current troubles from continuing, and I see no other way to make this happen other than being strong and upsetting my ex wife in the process. Generally, I do as I'm instructed to try and prevent arguments but I feel this is now having a detrimental affect on the relationship I have with my kids. I am starting to feel that she is trying to force me out of my kids lives but perhaps this is just my own 'fear' surfacing?

I feel I have two options:
1) Accept that my ex wife's going to treat me badly and yield to prevent arguments?
2) Be strong and make my thoughts and concerns known, refuse to accept certain instructions and potentially take legal action

Dealing with this and improving my being is tricky however, it's my current intention to apply the second option. I can honestly say that I wish to take this approach for the greater good and truly feel that my intent is based on resolving a bad position, rather than act out of ego and fear.

Does anyone agree that it's my intent that will matter most, even if my actions cause a lot of ill feeling? Particularly if I exacerbate an already difficult relationship? Or am I missing something? If I hadn't had kids, my position would be easy but I feel very responsible for my kids and fear making the wring choice.

Kind regards,


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2015 9:13 pm 
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If you've been a coward for years, maybe you being strong is exactly what she wants... have you considered that?

Also, I would go with choice #2, as choice #1 sounds more like it's coming from place of fear.

In the interest of full disclosure, I've never had a girlfriend or any kind of long-term relationship, so you can do with that what you will.

But, the option which yields to fear, is, in most cases, the wrong one.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2015 9:32 pm 
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Just something I was thinking after reading. Maybe suggest a bi-weekly family event like tai-chi, yoga, or meditation class. I think counseling or court is not typically a good way, because the defenses want to come up reactively - people want to win. Sell it like we will always be blood and a family, that much is truth and is not changing. We should look for ways to enjoy a small amount of time together that benefits each individual as well as the whole group together - a win-win. It is time you spend in calm and not thinking about one winning over the other or protecting feelings of hurt. Doing something with relaxing intent side steps the things. Maybe start first suggestion with a family massage. I mean who does not want that? Purposely, do not start up talking before or after these events, other then to say thank you and high-five and schedule the next one. After a few of these, the strain in the air should melt away like a spring snowman. Bike rides another idea now that weather is good. How could she really resist a helpful suggestion like that? In her heart, she wants best for kids and all of you getting along is a great thing and she knows it. Naturally, easier said then done. I try family bike rides, but other interests and games win out. Ditch the games. As least replace a few hours with some outdoor fun. Maybe another way to sell it. I want to find our joy where we can. With real intent and truth. Not trying to put one over on something. Just make it sound like a heart felt attempt at building a bridge and healing, no other addenda.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2015 11:09 pm 
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Entropy78 - you might benefit from reading the beginning of a book Tom is working on. He posted part of it here on the forum:

Primal Male / Primal Female -- a glimpse into a future book
viewtopic.php?f=5&t=7805&p=66690&hilit= ... man#p66690


As for your divorce situation try to come to every decision and event from a place of "other" and not from your ego - a place of "self." You will be surprised at how much you think you are being the calm reasonable one where it is really about control. Control is fear coming from your ego.

Learn to live gracefully with uncertainty.

If you start to make your decisions from a place of love it will positively affect every one around you.

Here is something from TOM:

First let’s look at the concept of having a story. Having a story is a dialog that you have basically about yourself. It’s the beliefs you have about yourself; it’s the expectations you have about yourself. Things will happen - the way other people treat you, the way you will treat other people. All these things are beliefs and expectations. And just from the fact that it’s really about you. Your story is a story you make up about you, and it explains you. And generally, your story explains things like why you’re right and everybody else is wrong. But it does more than that. It is your running analysis and attitudes about what happens to you, and what has happened to you in life, and what’s likely to happen to you in life. I think that’s what’s called, “self focused.”

Just the fact that you have a story means that your world centers about you at the center. You say, “This is my story.” And that’s the problem. Because if you see life through a lens of your own story, then you’re seeing life through the lens of your ego. Your ego is generated by your fear. So if we think of your story that way, it is basically your fear, your beliefs, and your ego, that come together and makes a story about you. And that creates beliefs and expectations about the future. Then one can see why that doesn’t generally work for you and won’t get you very far. If you have such a story, then you will probably make that story come true. You will do, and say, and be, in a way that shows that you are self-focused. And that it is about you, and about your story, and how they’re going to fit in your story. You meet somebody and it’s, “How are they going to fit into my story?” If you have that kind of approach, then you are not going to do anything to fix the problem that’s really meaningful. You fix the problem not by coming at it from a self-focused viewpoint, but by coming at it from the viewpoint of love and caring. And you shift your focus from you and “your story” to other people. Try to understand their story and let your story go. Let, “their story” be the focus of your interest not “your story.” That’s the idea about “stories.”

When you say, “We all have our stories.” That’s because most of us, (ninety nine point nine, nine, nine percent of the population - almost all of us,) have a lot of ego and a lot of fear. And we go through life basically interacting with people by being nudged, by being pushed to do things, by being certain ways, by interpreting data in certain ways, and by coming to conclusions based on that ego and fear. And as long as we come at life from that direction, we will generally be dissatisfied and be unhappy. Life just won’t seem to work for us. There are always all these problems. As soon as we seem to get one problem solved, another problem jumps up to take its place. And that is because you are creating problems because of the way you are approaching life.

A lot of times people ask me for advice. “How should I do this?” “My girlfriend’s doing that.” “Now what should I do?” and so on. And I like to avoid giving people advice. I don’t like to be in that role of “advice giver.” Because what I find out is that people are looking for something to “do.” Something that will fix their life, or make life be some way they think is better, or make life in some way that is better for them. That’s what they want to do. And as long as they approach it that way, whatever I tell them is not going to work. It’s because they’re not really looking for a real solution. They’re looking for, (you know we talk about “paper tigers” aren’t real tigers,) a paper solution. They’re looking for a way to “feel” better but not a way to actually “be” better. What you have to change is yourself at the being level.

They don’t come to me and say, “Tom, how can I be better? How can I be a better person?” That’s not their problem. They’re focused on their story which is, “Tom, my girlfriend is doing this or that, or my wife, or my boss, or just life in general. And they’re doing all these things that upset me and make me unhappy. What can I do about fixing them; fixing my life?” They don’t focus on fixing themselves. It’s always about what they can change in the outside world to make them happier. And they want me to give them a prescription of something “to do”; whereas the real solution is really something “to be.” They have to change who they are. Often they’re people who go from one advice giver to the next. They’re asking everybody, “What do you think?” They’re reading all the books. They’re going to the courses, and the workshops, and reading things on the Internet. Because they’re looking for the right prescription of what to do - how to fix life to make it better. And it just doesn’t work like that. They should be trying to figure out how to fix themselves. Because if they could fix themselves and get rid of that fear and ego, then suddenly their life is a life of joy. It’s a life of positive things not negative things.

Much more here:
viewtopic.php?f=19&t=8483&p=75380#p75380


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 22, 2015 8:56 pm 
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My friend Entropy78

In a difficult situation like yours, any attitude or decision taking has two sides. If I would be you, I would do everything for the benefit of the kids for two reasons

1. Because you love them and they love you

2. Because your wife is an adult and has greater defenses, while your kids will probably be more harmed.

Trying to prevent arguments is good, but it is not always possible.

Your wife cannot force you out of your kids lives, except by placing them emotionally against you. It is not sure that this is happening, but in case it is, you must exert you rights as a father

I agree with your being strong. It would not be good that your wife sees you vulnerable and fearful.

I think this is an opportunity for you to grow, for being loving but strong, for diminishing entropy

Don t feel guilty. Your intent is good and loving.

Your second option of being firm and strong, of being honest and doing what you deeply think is correct, is according to my
personal view point, the best.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2015 3:47 pm 
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All,

I really appreciate the vast amount of advice that's been offered, thank you.

I won't comment on the specific advice points which have helped (there's many) but I would like to say I've been reminded that it is about being rather than doing in the current situation. Being from a place of 'other' and in a way that is not fear based is making a difference and hopefully keeping actions from a place of love.......something I truly want but forget.

P.S......I felt the love in your message dinah


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