I've been journaling for the past month, since I started meditating (again) in earnest with the goal of hacking away at ego, reining in overactive critical thought, eliminating fears and generally trying to reconnect to that from which I feel I've been separated (and have felt that separation for a long, long time).
Reading other entries here, this seems like a great way to share ideas, experiences, maybe tools, etc.
In parallel with studying MBT (books, videos, introspection, etc.) since the end of last year, I've also started pursing the Palouse Mindfulness
(free) course in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, which was suggested by a friend who is much smarter than I and who has no small amount of experience with what is commonly considered 'paranormal'. In her words:
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction MBSR - how to find peace, calm in your heart. bc w/o peace/calm in yr heart (chakra) it will not wrk to move on to the next vibrational level.
I do do Mindfulness Mediation thru out the day - once learned, it's easy to incorporate. I do this to remind me of the Goodness surrounding me and others along with keeping me connected to what my purpose is for being in this spot, at this time.
I'm about the furthest thing from stressed at the moment, but figured I'd follow the suggestion and it's bearing fruit already.
This morning I did the course's Body Scan (guided) meditation and followed that with an unguided meditation with an intent focused on (1) finding non-PMR guidance and (2) using the technique discussed in Book 3, Sec. 5, Part 7.10 - interacting with the actualized past. My thought here is to recall (what I feel is) a very critical turning point in my life so as to - hopefully - learn from the choices I actually did make by - again, hopefully - recalling more detail regarding why
I made them. I hope to then recall this same past but, if possible, view my actions from the perspective(s) of others, to find the disconnect between how I BELIEVE I am acting and what others actually see/feel/hear. The goal, of course, is to grow from this in the present.
This was the experience...
After settling back into just "being", there was some daydream imagery I don't recall, but definitely felt an electrical 'charge' / 'reconnection' when I caught the drifting thought and came back to ECRW (Eyes-Closed Resting Wakefulness - "Focus 1", I guess), i.e., I felt a visceral switch back to the PMR data stream.
Most of the following was imagined - basically trying to kick-start a switch to an NPMR data stream. I asked (to the void on the inside of my eyelids) if there were any Guides (around). First image was of an older person walking left->right on a sandy beach, at an angle toward the water, who looked up but didn't respond. He was followed by 10-12 younger people, casually strolling, at least one wearing a baseball cap, with (bouncing?) a ball. Some looked up at me as they walked by.
A while later, imagined a lemonade-stand-type booth, which was empty, but which I assumed was where one stopped to request a guide. No one around. Walked around too look 'inside' the booth from the back - nothing there but some items I couldn't make out (technology, like a phone?) on a shelf.
Turned back around to see a field of deep, green grass behind the booth, a walkway running left/right beyond that, and a beach / port beyond the edge of that, with a few boats off to the left. Either a seashore or a cove. Bent down to feel the grass, laid in it, feeling the grass on my cheek. Actively turned ambient room sounds (highway noise, etc.) into sounds of wind and soft surf. While expecting (intellect?) to hear seagulls, definitely heard sound of some other kind of bird. While sitting there, all of this imagined (or so I thought), I wondered if perhaps my entropy was simply too high to make any sort of connection at this time. Were there things I'd done that indicated caring for others? Am I still 50 layers deep in ego that I have to work through? Maybe I'm just not ready, and this is all just imagination / wishful thinking.
Turned to notice someone now standing in the booth. Walked back over to the front and asked if a guide was available, at which point they took the phone and engaged in some sort of communication (?) or looked up something. As this happened, I began stacking thoughts / "evidence" - folders containing examples - of my 'worthiness' on the booth's main shelf (from the front): nurturing P__'s education, which has helped so many people, helping my cousin M__, wondering if there are / were things I should be doing to further reduce my entropy and be more 'ready'. I felt doubt, i.e., that even if guided, which itself wasn't a guarantee, that still I wouldn't see anything clearly. The booth person said someone would be with me shortly. Walked back out to the grass to wait, settling in a kneeling position, just leaning back on my hands, eyes closed, enjoying the feel of the grass and the sun on my face in the manner prescribed by the MBSR program I've been doing... just 'being'. I started meditating in the daydream created during my meditation... This was mostly imagined, until I felt presence of more than one person in front of me.
I stated my intent: to experience actualized past history, from my perspective, beginning with the first time I noticed R__ at school. I repeated this verbatim several times. The force behind my intent is/was to learn from anything I may have missed, as a young stupid idiot, that would have helped me grow up, so that I can maybe not keep missing such opportunities. This era was chosen due to my experience with her, which was the turning point in my conviction regarding my own Big Picture (which, it turns out, bears an uncanny resemblance to MBT). I waited, focused on these thoughts. Soon I (once again - this has happened before) was standing at the connection area at the 'rear' of our dorm at school, in front of the doors to the cafeteria. I walked in and looked around, but couldn't make out any detail at all except for the sense of chairs and tables, and a stairway off to the right leading down from the dorm (was/is this actually there? I'll have to find a way to check - I don't remember it). No people. An impression of the stainless steel and glass cafeteria counter where we used to pass by and have our meals served (by other students).
At this point I either received or sent a signal that this was long enough. Meditation ended at around 30 min.
I may try this again with the "256-128 P Base" audio, which I find to be very comfortable.