I just feel like writing these lines. Hope it helps somebody struggling and questioning everything in him/herself.
The food switch and the detox process is a real efficient way to clear up MIND and BODY. ->
I am talking about a solid food vacation. Then you see this world with a different perspective. I mean it is one way to start :D
Ah and this Article escalated quickly, I couldn't stop writing. At first I just wanted a short thingy. Here we go :o
This is the little "something" about me. 25 years old now. Germany.
Had lost my Job out of idiocy. Not a special Job, just something for money. Metal plate-bending company. Hard work. Good work. I didn't show up at some point - unexcused. Got another chance, refused to learn. Didn't came a second time - unexcused.
That is something I did my whole life. -> (15 y.o. I bunked school. Usually, I said goodbye to family, walked to the school and hid in a little green place, where I stood for 5 hours or less, playing Gameboy or doing nothing. Sometimes I had the opportunity to get back home playing video games while no one could know I am home again. Lie City. I learned too little. Later I threw away my apprenticeship despite getting another chance. I just said, "I quit, you all are emotional weirdos". It started with Chemical drugs. I was so focused while taking these that I was able to just play Video Games. And I improved big time. The focus was crazy. After 4 months I felt apart, tried to commit suicide with and overdose and alcohol. Later I blamed my friends they would have spied on me and they would have watched me while taking the drug. In my eyes that had to be obvious to them, I took a drug. I was going freely in a stationary hospital for "crazy people with addiction". Learned a lot. Came back, found work and my own apartment real quick. Made the same mistake again. Lost that apartment. Last remaining place I could live was grandmothers/fathers house. Grandfather was already dead after colon cancer and an operation mistake where the colon wasn't stitched properly. The House has two flats. I am still here)
- It is still long :o
Drug/pc-gaming addicted, lost work, hope and motivation. Started gaining confidence again. Started drugs and gaming again. Lost work, hope and motivation. Moved to grandmother.
I lost self-esteem because I disappointed everyone including myself. It was meant to be a hard learning process. I luckily had a family who always and will always stay with me. I can't tell enough how glad I am to have these people around me. Not counting all the friends helping me. Some at least. I still am impressed they stuck with me.
Then, after 6 months of procrastinating, I found a Job to make money. Yay, Money. For nearly 6 months I worked there and made the same mistake. And even worse. I stood in bed because of laziness. I didn't call my chef sometimes, which is obviously stupid and irresponsible. I lost the job even after getting another chance. I even lied to them with "my grandmother is hurt real bad I have to take her to the hospital", while lying to my grandmother the one machine I am working at isn't running today so I don't need to work today, it gets repaired. Didn't work, cause my grandmother has a compulsive orderliness. She immediately called my chef, if the machine is running again. He was so gentle that he didn't tell her what I told him...
That was September 2016.
Lost the Job, had money, no motivation to thrive in any direction. Took drugs again. This time they were just the worst. Last efforts of the rc-industry to get something "workable" caught me and threw me away. This stuff was making me awake and tired at the same time, extremely restless and I didn't know what to do with myself, wandering around in my little room changing mind on playing games or watching senseless videos. I couldn't stop for several days. At some point, I had to stop and slept. Next day was a Monday. I met a good old friend and played billiard with him. I felt okay. In the evening a "zip-feeling" started to occur when I was moving my eyes from left to right. It was deeply unpleasant. In the night I couldn't sleep well, always woke up right before I fell into sleep, because of that "zip-feeling". At some point I was able to sleep and dreamed about my friend and me walking around a street, finding a big Gate at the roadside and then I saw my friend getting attacked by a Wolf and I woke up while screaming something I can't remember now. Frightening. Couldn't sleep any longer. Later in the morning, I was very exhausted, confused. Headache. Drove home with the bus. Researched the "zip-feeling" symptoms. Found a drug-related article about this which described it as withdrawal symptoms. My grandmother cooked and we ate together. She told me:"Aw Jan, eat slower". That's what she usually does. I was at an emotional tipping point and just said I can't eat here with you right now and went to my room. I suddenly just started crying like I never did in my life. Like really really really extreme and I was full of emotions. Pictures of my life, my behaving and my family crossed my mind. I was filled with love and guilt for my family and couldn't handle it. It was amazing. I freed my own dictatorship for a second and released some pain I created to myself. This led me to a weird point-to-point movement (weird intuitive decisions in quick succession). I came across a Website Anja Kirchner - High sensitive people. I felt exactly like that. If I look back I would definitely say I watched everything with a different viewpoint. My question was: "where is the love, I don't get this World". I never understood the behaving of other people. So little kindness and open-minded people. I questioned myself since a little kid. I tried to act so others like me no matter what, so I wouldn't hurt or loose them and so they don't suffer from stupid behaving and hatred. I always acted, so often I was afraid of making mistakes and losing control. LIE CITY.
I was able to get to work with Anja Kirchner in exchange of money of course. We talked for nearly 3 Hours where initially 1 hour was planned. I was sceptical and wasn't sure about the Akasha reading. I closed myself a little. But it was good enough to give me the right bump in the right direction. I was still far away from the reality of myself.
I felt like reading Monroe's first book "Journey-out-of-body".
Very ignorant, selfish in many ways by not playing the game, ignoring my surroundings. (had lost my job, etc.). Had no self-esteem.
I was believing in those things. A pressure point is occuring between my eyes. It comes and goes without any wants of control or thoughts.
Started meditating, tried to get a fast result and had huge expectations (I had one OOBE in my youth I can remember and other weird experiences like lucid dreams) and beliefs. Watched Videos of Bob Monroe talking about his experiences and the Wednesday meetings at the TMI.
Came across an interview with Thomas Hasenberg and Tom Campbell
. Tom looked so different to me I couldn't explain it to myself.
Researched further. Watched MBT LA presentation. Understood logically what was going on. Deeply.
Was overwhelmed by the logical force he created in my mind. I was literally blown away :D. Started focusing on my expectations and was too concerned about making mistakes -> false believe.
Started to meditate a lot and tried binaural beats. Still obsessed by OOBE's and wanted that experience real bad. Lost awareness of some other important things (life). Researched more and watched pretty much all the newer Videos of Tom Campbells Youtube-Channel, especially Fireside-Chat was interesting.
I overthought all my doing and thinking, making it hard to meditate at all. I started judging myself again.
I sometimes smoked weed, ate bad and smoked cigarettes and drank coffee. Had no Job and no motivation to search for a new job. Living with my grandmother who is challenging me every day, to overcome old habits in thinking and behaving. Great woman <3. She has her difficult sides. Obsessed with cleanness and order.
Weed made me feel relaxed really fast. This pressure point between my eyes is as some articles say the third eye. I didn't want to believe this.
In the weed high state I was able to move this pressure point around my body. It was astounding. I felt very good. The relation to my grandmother got better and better.
Was able to handle the words efficiently of one of my nearest friends, who were always saying what he thinks I should do. Earlier I couldn't handle that with my self-esteem and I build up a wall. Now I just let him talk and agree with him. I tried to make him understand my World. He wouldn't listen. He doesn't understand the concept of food and spirituality and meditation. He just isn't aware of it.
Smoking got less. I ate more consciously. Less coffee. Still questioned myself alot in every way, which was holding me back for quite a while. Nothing was right. Feared the wrong.
Stopped smoking weed till mid-January until a brilliant idea crossed my mind: "Hey, you had a great experience with weed and xtc at Silvester, let's try that out again. I agreed to myself:"Ah, that won't be that bad, just a view joints". I asked a friend for weed. He brought me a fudging back of weed with 20 grams in it. "That's not what I want", I said. "That's way to much, I just wanted maybe 3". He let the bag with me saying: "I need to get to work, I'll leave it here. You don't have to pay now, we are old friends. Just smoke what you need and the rest you can give back". Well you can imagine how it went down. 2 high weeks. No real meditation exploration. I forgot about that. In the end, I smoked out of habit and it got disgusting to smoke weed. I had to smoke everything until it is gone.
I studied John Rose's Videos and was blown away by his personality. After leaving weed and coffee and cooked food behind, I started getting back on my road. The Juice fast began.
2 Weeks before the Juice fast I weight around 78kg and started eating just 3 Bananas and 3 Apples mixed up for one day. Some peanuts in between. Pretty ignorant behaving. As always :D.
I felt great the next two weeks and started working out again. Just a little. My grandmother pleased me to watch my weight. I seem to loose much. I lost 6 kg. I still felt great.
Researched Juice fasting and starting my 7 Day-Juice Fast. Around 4-6 Litres a day. It was a great experience. Sadly my Juicer is old and a lot of the juice isn't gained. But mentallity has changed drastically.
Meditating regularly. Couldn't keep my thoughts still. Struggling to find the right method for me. Wasn't sure which path to go in my "thought palace" - everything was just so unsure. Calm in behaving. More self-esteem. Stopped smoking. No coffee. No craving for cigarettes anymore. Awareness grew for politics and scarcity. Some obvious fears and beleives are pinned down and accepted with a smile :). Left my story behind, starting all over again.
Carefully choosing the right words and tended to overlook certain situations. Still didn't want to hurt certain people (shut down friendship) who are definitly not my person type I could handle long term. ( I mean a gamer friend. I just can't handle his person, but I don't want to allow myself to cut down this gamer friend. He grew with me, cause I told him about some of my struggles. He still is hard to handle for my beeing level.) Waking up bit by bit.
All the honest Literature about the Soul, healing, even food books are coming to the same conclusion. Get reconnected to ourselves and be sceptical. And the love comes from the true inner you. Not the Intellect you.
So now my dear friends, I released a little bit of my "something" and just want to thank everybody who is helping other people with their wisdom and love, to help them leading those into a better "perspective-reality" and understanding. This planet needs Heroes and Heroes are born when you release your inner Spirit. When you listen to your Soul, ECK-Meister, GOD, whatever.
When some friends are just not good for me, I shouldn't be around them, right? Where he isn't willing to let you be and let you do your thing, trying to tell you how to live. It is happening over and over again. I just want to accept that, but I can feel a wall building up inside of me. Now I am constantly arguing with him in my thoughts that he sould let me be and that he doesn't understand me. He tells me to finally get a job again, that shouldn't be that hard, or move away from your grandmother to be independent... And the other side of me is saying that these argues are tools to procrastinate the work. But I want to work, I just don't know what. I do apply for some low-educated jobs occasionally only to get rejected. But I do not try hard enough. But I also don't feel like it. Oh gosh, this conflict. No Car as well, hard to get a work without a car.
Oh darn it took 3 Hours to write this. Now it is 3 am, I am happy I wrote this and despite my concerns about all the writing about myself I will still submit this thing! Good night =)