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 Post subject: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 5:12 pm 
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I'm having genuine trouble distinguishing 'good feelings' from the ego. I know that the ego is meant to hide fear and distract us from it by making us feel good... problem being I seem to be caught in a strange place these past weeks where I drive myself into a terribly fearful place (which I don't really always manage to deal with positively) by trying to break through any ego I may be feeling... but it gets tricky when any attempt to break through ego may itself be fear driven.

A very tangled mess at times. The only solution that seems consistent is to be brave, but with certain fears, that's asking for too much. I'm working on my fears, but I can't get rid of them all in one go.

So, I'm having trouble finding a correct approach to ego and fear. If I try too hard, I end up feeling like I'm sliding backwards. But I don't want to just accept the 'feel good' aspect of life if it's just ego.


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 Post subject: Re: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 11:06 pm 
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Tom's reply to a question ask in an interview may be helpful. If not ask more questions please.

The Nature of Fears, Beliefs and Ego
(Unfortunately this video is unavailable. But I transcribed a portion of it some time ago.)

CZ: And some of those fears are very easy to get rid of while some of them are hard to indeed.

Tom: Yes that is true. We don't know most of the fears and beliefs that we have. We don't realize they’re fears and beliefs because they have been with us for so long that we just accept them as a part of the way things are. We think everybody probably has the fears and beliefs that we have. And some of them you just get from your culture. You get cultural beliefs about the nature of reality. It's just what most of the people in your culture think about it; and you just picked that up; and you tend to think that way too. It's not like somebody sat down and said, “Here's what you need to believe. This is the right answer.” A lot of these beliefs just ooze in without you ever knowing that they’re there. And I've had any number of people, particularly young males, will sometime say, “Well I don't have any fear, and I don't have any beliefs. But, I'm still having trouble seeing the bigger picture.”

And if I can convince them to try to look at anything in their life that is negative, or causes anxiety, or doesn't feel good, (or whatever,) something that worries you, or is a problem - and try to find the fear. And always a month or two will go by and if I get back in touch with them I’ll hear something like, “I didn't realize how many fears and how many beliefs that I have.” And then a couple months after that it's almost depression in that, “Everything I do is pushed by ego,” whose origin is in fear, “Everything I do is pushed by ego and belief.” So fear and belief turnout the be the major motivators, the major things that kind of nudge them to make the choices; say the things; and do the things; and feel the way they do. And that's a big revelation because from their intellectual view it’s, “I'm fine. I don't really have any fear. And I don't have any ego. I don’t have any beliefs. I'm just open.”

That’s the way their intellect tells the story because the intellect’s trying to make you feel good; trying to make you cover those fears so the fears don't exist. So that's where the intellect gets in the way. But most people make most of their decisions and most of their choices based on their fears and on their beliefs. And that's just life; that's just the way it is, and often that's what's your culture expects of you. If you don't do that, if you don't have certain beliefs that are accepted in your culture, then there's something wrong with you; there's a problem; you're an outsider; you don't belong; you no longer conform to the social beliefs.

So it's not an easy thing to do. The hardest part is finding them, finding that fear and those beliefs, and that's step number one - and that's probably the hardest thing. Once you find them if you really want to get over them it's just a matter of time - and it’s not quick. You usually don't find the fear and it’s gone the next day. You may have to work at it for months or maybe even years if it's a tough one. But you can get rid of any of them if you really want to. It's just a matter of catching yourself whenever you're having that reaction that's ego based (which is the same as fear based or belief based,) you catch it and you say, “Oh, that's not the way I want to go here.” And you change it. And eventually you don't catch yourself as often and eventually don't catch yourself at all because you stop doing that.

But it takes time, and the way you start is just to observe your own consciousness, observe your own choices you make, the way you feel, the way you interact. When you saw that twenty dollar bill what did you think about? Did you look around to see who's watching; whether or not it would be a good idea to put in your pocket? Could you get away with that? You know if that was your first (response) then that tells you that there's a problem there. So you have to trace that back. And that'll go back to a fear of some sort. A fear of not having enough; a fear of other people taking what you've got; or that you're found wanting of your ability to gather resources (or something.) So it’s not an easy thing to do - to beat your fears. But if you really want to do it - just start. And you’ll start with one and you’ll find one thing and you'll kind of feel like, “Well that's the only one. I found one.” And then you work on that and then pretty soon a couple more will pop up. Don't get overwhelmed. Realize that we tend to be very fearful people and it'll take some time to work through all that stuff. But you will start feeling better; your life will start getting better; your interactions with other people start getting better. And everything from your personal life, to your career, things will start working better as you get rid of those fears; because they are the problems that create issues and problems for us. So there's an immediate reward too so that people do get a sense of it's worth doing.

CZ: So a good plan then would to be to start with a small fears and then begin with the harder ones later on?

Tom: Sure that's a good thing. Just start, just feel - be aware of your feelings. And as soon as you get a feeling that is not joy; and it's not happiness; and it's not wonderful; it’s, “Uhh, That’s not so good. I didn’t like that.” or, “I wish that wouldn’t have happen that way,” (you’re having these kinds of things) - start to inspect them. Try to trace them back, and if you do that for probably even just a few days, you'll probably unearth at least one fear somewhere. And then you just need to keep working on that until you get rid of it.


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 Post subject: Re: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 3:01 am 
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Even though it's not 'new' information, it still sunk deeper than any time I'd heard it previously. Context and intention help a lot!

I suppose what's been discouraging lately are 'slumps' where I lose direction a bit and feel pretty bad, but, I think the overall highly positive trend is there. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Another question though, would be if you have any information on 'abstract' fears - some fears are relatively straightforward to tackle. Like, if I were afraid of physical stuff, that's easy enough to deal with. But how does one overcome - say - a fear of failure? A fear of inadequacy? Etc


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 Post subject: Re: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 9:15 am 
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I remember the first time I heard Tom say on a podcast, "Think about the very worst that could happen and be OK with that." And I thought he was CRAZY! I didn't want to be OK with all the worst of my fears. But in time I have come around to that way of thinking. By the very nature of the randomness of the reality you will experience a lot in life that you never even thought of. People that you love will die, you will lose things that are precious to you. But somehow you find away to keep going through all you experience. It is just the nature of life.

So being afraid of stuff before it even happens is counterproductive to the point that it may even nudge you toward what you are afraid of. Remember, Intent can modify the Probable Future. If I start down that road I just consciously stop myself and have some confidence that I will be able to handle what ever comes my way. If I had been able to control all the things in my life I would have missed out on some of my most valuable lessons - painful as they were. So it isn't whether or not you are going to fail. You will. Everyone does. It is more - are you going to waste the times you do fail by not evolving and learning? Ask anyone that is successful at anything and they will tell you that their failures were more important than their successes.

A few months ago I took my dogs to the park. And when we got home I decided to get the dogs into the house before I unloaded my purse, the leashes, the water, etc. from the car. When I went back out to my car it had autolocked with my purse, the car keys and my cell phone sitting in the front seat. One spare car key was in my purse and the other one I lost some months ago.

So I emailed a friend and ask her to call a locksmith and explain my problem. About 30 minutes later a nice guy showed up and took a tool and opened my car. It took 3 minutes and he charged me $50. But all I could feel was gratitude. My friend had gotten my email immediately and I actually had the $50 to pay him. Sometimes my money gets tight - especially at the end of the month.

This is a way different attitude then I would have had a few years ago. Then I would have ranted and railed the whole day about getting locked out of my car and the injustice of paying $50 for 3 minutes work. It is all attitude and gratitude.


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 Post subject: Re: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 5:56 am 
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Thank you! That was very helpful. Do you remember wich podcast you heard Tom say "think about the worst thing etc and be OK with that"?

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"You are already greater than you could ever be, even if the wildest egoic dreams of achievement became realized. Now, already, you are that" -Eckhart Tolle


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 Post subject: Re: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 8:32 am 
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He has said that a lot actually. I'll try and find a reference for it.


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 Post subject: Re: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 2:57 am 
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Found it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TteLGaSmWwc but thanks anyway! :)

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"You are already greater than you could ever be, even if the wildest egoic dreams of achievement became realized. Now, already, you are that" -Eckhart Tolle


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 Post subject: Re: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2016 11:58 am 
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Real confidence is has a lot more to do with being relaxed than fake confidence.


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 Post subject: Re: Ego vs Confidence
PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 9:59 pm 
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try to gain more confidence and be proud of your self.


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